9.04.2008

Make your own ANTM Season!

Tyra Banks should be awarded the Nobel prize for achievements in physics and mathematics. That wigtastic woman has created an absurdly reliable formula for producing a hit reality television show, season after season. I'm of course talking about America's Next Top Model, a show that I'm proud to admit I'm severely addicted to. If an ANTM marathon was on during my wedding ceremony, I would probably jilt my future husband so I don't have to miss a priceless ANTM moment (like when Lisa got drunk and had a heart-to-heart with a houseplant by the pool in cycle 5).

Banks' formula for creating an addictive new cycle isn't complicated and relies on predictability. Although the models change cycle-to-cycle, they always interact in the same predictable and entertaining way. Writing an episode of ANTM is pretty much like playing Mad Libs. With the following formula, you can create your own cycle of ANTM!

The Judges gather 20 girls in a casting special with a _adjective_ theme. The girls are forced to wear _your favorite Halloween costume, plural_ and learn to walk from Ms. Jay, who looks like a scary queen in a _most ridiculous article of clothing or accessory you can think of_. The mean girl makes fun of the _name of a disease, deformity or aesthetically unacceptable characteristic_ person for being so _repeat last answer_. The girl with an unfortunate past who grew up in _random state_ without _noun_ tells her sob story to any girl who will listen. The token bitchy girl has no compassion for the sad girl because she's tried out for ANTM _random number_ of times and believes it's made her stronger, as per God's plan. Speaking of God, the one super-religious girl there feels conflicted because she was raised _oppressive religion_ and feels that prancing around half naked on television at the tender age of eighteen might go against the morals of being _repeat last answer_. The fat girl complains that it's hard to be in this competition because compared to the other girls she looks like a _favorite farm animal_. Tyra makes a complete ass out of herself by acting like a _adjective_ _noun_.

So, for cycle 11, Paulina Porizkova jumped into Tyra's bed and giggled as she asked Tyra for her Mad Lib answers:

*Adjective: futuristic
*Your favorite Halloween costume, plural: quasi-futuristic cat suits, for my James Bond girl costume
*Most ridiculous article of clothing or accessory you can think of: Neon Silver Andy Warhol wig
*Name of a disease, deformity or aesthetically unacceptable characteristic: transgendered
*Repeat last answer: transgendered
*Random state: Alaska
*Noun: heat
*Random number: 30+
*Oppressive religion: Mormon
*Repeat last answer: Mormon
*Favorite farm animal: dairy cow
*Adjective: fierce
*Noun: moose

...and voila! Behold last night's episode!

The Judges gather 20 girls in a casting special with a futuristic theme. The girls are forced to wear quasi-futuristic cat suits and learn to walk from Ms. Jay, who looks like a scary queen in a neon silver Andy Warhol wig. The mean girl makes fun of the transgendered person for being so transgendered. The girl with an unfortunate past, who grew up in Alaska without heat, tells her sob story to any girl who will listen. The token bitchy girl has no compassion for the sad girl because she's tried out for ANTM 30+ number of times and believes in God's will. Speaking of God, the one super-religious girl there feels conflicted because she was raised Mormon and feels that prancing around half naked on television at the tender age of eighteen might go against the morals of being Mormon. The fat girl complains that it's hard to be in this competition because compared to the other girls she looks like a dairy cow. Tyra makes a complete ass out of herself by acting like a fierce moose.

Trannies and Mormons under one roof. Best. Season. Ever?

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