Location: NY Subway, Brooklyn-bound F train
Normally when I see a schmo with a whole lotta look going on, I’m able to keep my bewilderment to myself. But when I saw this character, I legitimately laughed out loud. Noise escaped my body in a very real and very noticeable way. If I remember correctly, I believe I couldn’t stop laughing long enough to explain to my roommate what was going on, so I just pointed at this man’s arm and cackled, to her (and retrospectively my) mortification.
What you are looking at is a tattoo of chain links going around this man’s bicep. Sort of a lame tattoo on it’s own, but I have a ribbon/bow on my ass, so who’s really to judge? Well, that was my thought until I noticed that the tattoo is interrupted where a protruding vein snakes up this man’s arm. At that point, it’s made to look like the vein has busted the chain, with bits of metal flying in various directions.
Here’s how I imagine his tattoo consultation went down:
Tattoo Artist: So I see you brought in a picture of a chain?
Jock: Yea man! I want like, a tattoo of a chain totally going around my bicep. It represents how I’m a slave to sculpting my muscles 'n shit.
TA: Ok, sounds good, I’ll go make a stencil.
Jock: Yea thanks bro, I thought of it in the tanning bed.
- five minutes later-
TA: So I’m just going to put the stencil on now. Wow, that’s quite a vein you got there. Hah, hope it doesn’t bust the chain, haha.
Jock: OH SICK! BRO! DUDE! THAT IS FUCKING SICK! AW SHIT! You gotta tattoo that! My veins are BEASTS, they totally would do that! Like all, fuck you chain!
I guess I can sort of understand a tattoo where a bulging muscle is breaking the chain, but a giant vein is slightly revolting. Muscles are sexy; veins are creepy. The only people who find veins sexy are gothic middle-schoolers who think they’re vampires and play Nosferatu in the basement. I think arms are one of the sexiest parts of a man’s body, but I would vomit in my mouth if anyone were to ask me to feel his big, rock-hard, chiseled…veins.
And come on guy…we all took health ed in 10th grade. I know how you get big muscles with abnormally protruding veins. It starts with an “S” and rhymes with “flairoids." Do you really want to draw attention to the fact that you’re all juiced up, especially when steroids hurt your sex drive more than catching Bea Arthur coming out of the shower?
I’ve seen the 1994 classic Lifestories: Families in Crisis PSA A Body to Die For: The Aaron Henry Story, and guess what champ? It wasn’t pretty. Sure when he was on ‘roids Ben Affleck was all muscles and dimples, buying kittens for his girlfriend and winning state championships, but when he crashed he crashed hard. After seeing that classic I can only assume you’re going to pull an Aaron Henry and punch me in the mouth, kill my kitten and lose your wrestling scholarship.
Also, that tattoo puts a lot of pressure on you to stay physically fit for the rest of your life. The minute you stop working out and lose muscle definition, you’re going to look like a real a-hole. And God forbid you ever get fat at any point in your life or else the tattoo takes on a completely different meaning. There’s nothing hot about arm fat breaking a metal chain wrapped around it (although it is slightly more attractive than a vein).
I’m going to get a tattoo around my waist of pants that are too tight so I have absolutely nothing to live up to for the rest of my life.