The problem with "getting back out there" is that I'm so painfully lazy. I've gotten way too used to being like "'ehh, I'll wear this potato sack to the bar and sit in the corner and do this daily Jumble I found on the metro because what's the use?" Now I have to like...brush my hair...and talk to people 'n shit. But I should make the effort. It really is getting slightly ridiculous how complacent I've become to singledom. I'm like "a party? No thanks, I've got hot pockets and two seasons of Gossip Girl on DVD, I think I'm already at the party, a-thank you very much."
It's just that making the effort takes so much...effort. I wish you could date someone and completely skip the stressful first few months of the relationship and go straight to the "well this is comfortable!" zone. I realize the first few months are the "exciting" ones, but my god! The games! The emotional effort it takes! Plus, I get winded from butterflies. And! How are you even supposed to meet people? I never meet people when I go out. I just talk to the ones I already know and make fun of the ones I don't. I guess that's where the whole effort things comes into play again. It's just hard when a good 70% of you would rather go home to your parents house on a Saturday night and snuggle with their cat and steal their soup because you're poor and can only afford Campbell's but they spring for the Progresso home-style in the big cans and would never notice if you load up your bag with like eight cans and a box of cereal. (That's the hypothetical "you" by the way.)
I need to watch a movie that makes me want to put myself back out there. Not Sex and the City. That just reminds me how poor I am. Let's take it back. Grab a bowl of stolen soup, pour yourself a martini and remind yourself that you're so money baby, because it's time for the Swingers Drinking Game!
- the following phrases are said:
- Beautiful baby
- Vegas, baby! Vegas!
- This place is dead
- Dewers on the rocks
- Double down
- The words Big Bad Voodoo Daddy are shown on the screen
- Someone cries
- Mike's ex-girlfriend is mentioned
- Someone gets a number
- Mike checks his answering machine
- A girl is referred to as "business class"
- During the following line, simply because it's my favorite and I wish I had a reason to say it more often: "Haven't you seen Boyz N The Hood? Now one of us is going to get shot."
Thanks for reading and have a great weekend! See you back here Monday morning when I won't be working on a bunch of freelance illustration and design projects and I can actually post on time. You're forgiving, and I love you for it. Thanks!
So everyday for lunch, I go to the deli next door to my office and get one of those salads where you pick the kind of lettuce you want and dictate which fixin's the deli guy should add. I get iceberg lettuce and add spicy chicken, roasted red pepper, tomato and feta cheese with low-fat Asian sesame ginger dressing. It's god-damn delicious, convenient, healthy and I'd be a liar if I said it wasn't the best part of my work day. And by "work day" I mean my day in general.
That being said, the deli guy who makes my salad is my new enemy. Everyday I have to deal with his shtick. We can never just have a "Oh hello," "Hi! Gimme some shit on my salad!" "Blokay! Here you go, take care!" "Hey thanks guy!" No, because this is the Jose the Salad Guy Comedy Hour (that's not me being stereotypical by the way, his name really is Jose. Jose Pedro Lopez Fuentes Sabatos Jr.) and I'm just part of the show.
The second I approach the salad counter, Jose gets this mischievous look on his face and starts giggling to himself. He hasn't even shticked me yet, but just the thought that he's about to "get me" is enough to crack his shit up. So I go to the counter and smile, hand him my lettuce, and ask for spicy chicken. And everyday the same thing happens: "No." He denies me my chicken, even though there is clearly spicy chicken readily available. L0LZ, right? So I courtesy laugh and play along, "Pleeease?" I ask sweetly. "Not today." BAHAHAHHAH!!!!!!, right? " "Man, that's too bad, because I really like that chicken." "No." ZLOLOMFGHAHAHAHA!!!1, where does this guy come up with it, right?? RIGHT?!?!
Frankly at this point I just want to grab him by the collar and say "give me my motherfucking chicken or I'll shove this avocado so far down your throat you'll be shittin' guacamole for days!" but instead, I just sweetly smile and wait for him to decide that Jose's Def Salad Comedy Jam is over and he'll amuse my request for spicy chicken.
You have to understand, this has happened every single day for the past month and a half. It's horrible. It's like forced audience participation at a comedy club, and that my friends is what I imagine hell being. Just a big comedy club where I'm always on stage holding a prop or shouting out a location and two celebrities for all of eternity.
I'm sure you're thinking, "Ok dumb ho, just go somewhere else for lunch or get soup or a sandwhich or something." To that I say, yes I am a dumb ho, and I don't know why you had to bring that up, but why should I have to compromise what I want for lunch just because the salad guy likes to be playfully difficult? I refuse to not experience the pleasure of my magical salad just because he makes me feel uncomfortable. This is my ship and the course of the S.S. McAwkward will not be mapped out by the fucking salad guy.
There used to be this Mexican restaurant in Olney called Costa Rico where my family dined probably like once a week until it closed. We had the same waiter every single time, and every single time he brought the check, he would give it to me instead of my dad. Now, it was funny the first time he did it when I was like three. He'd crack up and we'd all be like "OHHH, YOU!" But after it had been going on for 12 years and I was fucking 15-years-old, it really was not that funny anymore. It was annoying. Just hand the fucking check to my dad or get some new material. Do all playfully difficult restaurant employees have Alzheimer's?! You've pulled this crap with me before. You did it yesterday. And the yesterday before that. And the yesterday before that...
A few months ago, the McBlogger family was out to dinner at Cesco in Bethesda and when the waiter came with the check, I swear to all that is good and holy, he handed it to me and proceeded to crack up. My mom literally pointed and laughed at me, and it was the hardest I have ever seen her laugh in years. STOP SHTICKING ME GOD DAMNIT! I'm fucking 23-years-old! I have a job and actually could pay for the meal, so now you've put me in the awkward position of having to tell my parents that I presumed they would pay, but I could pay, but it's not a big deal, but whatever, and, um, er, AWKWARD. Why shtick me? What about me screams that I'm begging to be shticked? I've been told multiple times by multiple people that I don't look approachable. I seriously want to know what it is about me that makes friends of friends too scared to come up and say hey, but playfully difficult waiters think I've been blowing kisses at them all night. Christ.
And "playfully difficult"--what the fuck is that?! I deal with difficult people all day long, I don't really feel like playing the asshole game with you on my lunch break. What if murdering was my shtick and I was "playfully murderous"? Would society think that's cute and engaging? At the risk of sounding like a snob (although it's never stopped me before) just give me my effing salad and let that be the end of it.
Now, I'll be in the backroom stuffing my face with mints and crackers so I don't have to take lunch if you need me.
So allow me to point out some things about DC that you may not know in an effort to convince 100% of you that Washington, DC is the greatest place to be:
1.) Ugly People!
DC is referred to as "Hollywood for ugly people," and politics as "show business for ugly people," for a reason. Because we're not the prettiest bell at the ball. Actually we're not even at the ball. We're at home eating an entire sheet cake with a spoon, wearing a self-heating acne mask, crying to our mother's, wondering why no one sees our special inner-beauty. But that's good news for you, out-of-towner! Come here and watch your self-esteem fly through the roof as your "mediocre" good looks suddenly skyrocket to supermodel steamy-sex-bomb status. You're going to get so much ass you'll have to retire your genitals in an ice bucket for at least an hour each week. And that's exciting!
2.) Black People!
To answer your question, yes, yes I am a blatant self-hating white person. But the better question is, why aren't you? Black people do everything better—food, music, dancing, religion, presidents—everything! Thus, I am honored to live in a city that is 55% African American and only 39% White. This statistic has also earned DC the nickname "Chocolate City." Becca and Rachel for quite some time were considering making t-shirts that said, "White Chocolate." After weighing the pros and cons, I think they decided the inevitable beatings weren't worth the irony. I, however, am still unsure about that.
3.) Readily Available Drugs!
Some out-of-towners think that just because an overwhelming amount of the population in DC works for the government or a non-profit, there must be drug testing posts at the corner of every major intersection in the city. Well, guess what? You're fine, you can cross the street without having to pee in a cup. We're not all narcs! We know how to have a good time! Shit, I'm at work writing this post and cookin' up some heroin as we speak! Don't worry about the city's straight-edge factor, I know a guy. And that guy knows a guy who has a membership at Costco. We'll get you an eighth and a 46-pack of cranberry juice in one felt swoop.
It seems like you can't swing a dead cat in this town without hitting a gay guy in the well-moisturized face. And that's a good thing! A large gay population = good shopping, good restaurants, shopping partners, drinking partners, a large choice of gay boyfriends for you ladies, large amounts of sex to be had for you gay out-of-towners, and the list goes on! Just don't be that girl from Minnesota in the khakis who keeps falling in love with the "fancy man" in your office only to be heartbroken when after six months of obsessing you find out he's dating the only other attractive guy in your building. Oh and out-of-towner, if this is a major turn-off for you and you're all "sick dude, I don't want to have to look at that shit!", don't worry, I got you covered. Just get in a cab and ask the driver to take you to Third Edition in Georgetown. Get out. Look around. These are your new friends. You'll be fine.
DC is known for being home to the government, but let's not forget it's also home to quite a few number of colleges: American, GW, Georgetown, Catholic, UDC, Trinity, Gallaudet, etc. I know this initially sounds like a turn-off. No one wants to watch a fat sorority girl cry on a curb in front of the bar in a broken tiara screaming, "I JUST ::sniffle, sniffle:: MISS ::sniffle, sniffle:: TRA::hiccup::VIS!!!!" (In which case don't go to Adams Morgan on any given Saturday night.) However, there are some perks to living in a college city. My strongest argument is the Georgetown men's athletic department. Get a trench coat, get a pair of sunglasses, park yourself on M street and watch 'em run by shirtless. OHHHH-YEEAAaAaAa...My weaker argument is that it can be sort of kind of fun to party with college kids. They're so full of hope and wonder and can get shitfaced with you because they their paper isn't due until Tuesday. Also, partying with them distracts you from the fact that you've already graduated and are working an entry-level, dead-end job in a field that you no longer want to work in because you've seen first-hand what a crock of bullshit it is and everyday you show up and pray that hell has frozen over so you don't have to go into the office to use your $130,000 education to staple invoices, put pamphlets into a folder and avoid your co-workers who you fear more and more everyday are what you will turn into in 20 years. What? Am I still typing?
We don't have southern accents in DC. Nor do we have the oh-so-god-awful Baltimore accent. Teresa was recently discussing the DC accent with her co-workers in Baltimore and nailed it on the head—we have valley girl accents. We put like three extra syllables into every word and lots of unnecessary U's. (Apparently her co-workers mock Teresa by saying, 'I'm from Day Say. I only know two letters: Day pair-ee-odd, Sayyy, pair-ee-odd.') But our native accent is good news for you, out-of-towner! In the tropical heat of the summer, you'll think you're in LA without any of the added pressures of needing to be thin, stylish or wealthy! What more do you people want?!
As recapped by Chris
This week on
The City, the gang packs up and heads to Miami to escape the cold weather, and MTV manages to avoid the censors, slowly panning up some unauthorized ho’s bod in a thong bikini (Seriously, are you allowed to show that much bare ass?) But who cares about The City, I know you guys are all here to find out what really happened this week on: The Show about New York You Are Watching Until New Episodes of Gossip Girl Are Back
[scene: One Management, NYC]
Erin: Isn’t it great that we work together so we don’t have to resort to gchat like the commoners? We can just sit here and talk and not ever pretend to look like we’re working.
Allie: Wait, you know I’m a model right? We don’t technically work together. Why am I even here? Last thing I remember I was at the doctor’s. He said something about pink eye…
Erin: Yea, now that you mention it, your eyes are really pink. But I think it’s just your eye shadow. I could take you to the bathroom and show you how to apply makeup, because I look surprisingly good today.
Allie: I even like how your hair is a tribute to Jennifer Aniston at the Oscars.
Erin: Thanks! I’m so glad you got what I was going for! So are you coming to Miami with all of us?! If I learned anything from Will Smith, it’s that Miami is the city where the heat is on. Also did you know Eva Mendes is in that music video. Weird, right? Regardless, I’m super excited! I hear that in Miami the rivers are full of tequila!
Allie: Bummer, I can’t go. I have this thing called work, which you seem to know nothing about. Anyway have fun in Miami, but can you keep an eye on Adam for me? I mean, don’t, because I totally trust him. But do. But don’t.
Jay: Welcome to Miami!
Eva Mendes: Bienvenidos a Miami.
Whitney: I’m so glad everyone listened to me when I said it would look so cool if we all wore white upon arriving here. Let’s hit the pool.
[poolside with the ladies]
Whitney: Erin, who are these two girls sitting with us?
Erin: I’m not really sure. I think the subtitles said something about Pottsy’s girlfriend about one of them…I couldn’t see because these sunglasses I borrowed from Kanye are so luda. The other one is just completely random, as far as I can tell.
Whitney: Do I know a Pottsy? Do you mean Warren “Potsie” Weber from Happy Days? When did we start hanging out with fictional characters’ girlfriends?
Jess or Jessi or Jessie, but definitely Pottsy’s girlfriend: Oh by the way, Jay’s ex Danielle is a stalker. Just throwing it out there. Also, I’m going to casually hint that living with Jay might be a bad idea.
[in the pool, with the bros]
Random bro #1: I heard you moved in with Whitney. Pussywhipped!
Jay: Naw man, Adam’s the one that’s pussywhipped. He kicked me out. I had no choice.
Adam: You’d be whipped too if your girlfriend was hot and had your balls in a jar by the bed.
Random bro #2: Dude.
Random bro #1: Bro.
Meanwhile, back in The City
[scene: Nylon magazine cover shoot for what appears to be rape/abusive relationships issue]
Photographer: Yea! Bite her harder! Yea draw blood! Pull her hair a little! Yea, that’s great. This is great. Oh yea, make her cry! (Note: Ok, I’m exaggerating, but in the lead photo he’s biting a large chunk of flesh off of Allie’s already fleshless shoulder. Poetic license, right?) Ok take a walk or a cold shower, I know I’ll need both.
Male model with no name and large square face: That got me so hot. Want to get a drink with me to cool off.
Allie: I have a boyfriend, but I’m also not saying no.
Squareface: I try to be a gentleman. So about that drink…
Allie: That’s probably what a gentleman wouldn’t do if the girl he asked to get a drink had a boyfriend.
Later that evening, in Miami
Jay: Oh weird. Danielle is here. This is in no way planned or scripted, we all just happened to show up to the same club in Miami. Whatever, I don’t even care. Watch me not care so much I’m going to go talk to her. [to Danielle] I can think of no better place to discuss things than a club. Maybe let’s not tell anyone except for the television audience that we did sleep together?
Danielle: Do you like my outfit? I was going for Samantha Ronson, but I think it comes off a little Cameron Diaz in Charlie’s Angels. Wait, look! A bowler! Ronson! Oh yea, whatever Jay. I don’t care. Let’s not talk about it.
Unauthorized ho: Whitney, what a small world? The one club we are at Danielle AND Dennis Rodman are here.
Whitney: Ugh. Hates it. Crap, look busy I think Danielle is coming over.
Danielle: OMG hey BFF! Like, I’m totes sorry I slept with…oops! I mean that your bfry and I hung out. It was totes innocent. No harm, no foul, right?
Whit: Yea. Whatever. Can you leave now?
Erin: This is so awkward.
Jess: Keep dancing and pretend you don’t hear it.
Erin: I was talking about Adam and all those girls. And dammit, he has a whole bottle of Patron. That’s it! I’m pissed. I’m calling Allie.
Erin: Hey, it’s me. I’m calling from the club.
Allie: That’s surprising as I can here you perfectly.
Erin: I have the network. Can you hear me now? Anyway, I’m staring at Adam and I just thought you should know he’s talking to a girl. He hasn’t done anything, but just think of what he could do. You know? I just thought you should know that he could cheat on you tonight.
Allie: Oh. Great. This again. Thanks Erin. Hey Squarehead!
Allie: Let’s get crunked, I had a long day.
An indeterminate amount of time later in NYC
Whitney: That was fun.
Jay: I think Adam had fun too. Oh btdubs, sorry about Danielle, she’s a li..
Whitney: Yea, WTF was that? There’s a billion clubs in Miami, why is she at ours? Also, I’m surprisingly not stupid. If you had nothing to hide, we wouldn’t have even started talking about this. Also, my word of the day is “overjustify” so I’m going to use it as much as possible in this fight. Overjustify.
Jay: Wait, what? I thought we were over this.
Whitney: I don’t know. This conversation gives me the runs. I’m not stupid, don’t play me for a fool.
Jay: Ok, I won’t. ::fingers crossed::
(Note: the scene at Bergdorf’s is completely irrelevant but I would be remiss if I failed to mention Erin’s hot pink romper. God I hate/love that girl.)
[scene: 10 Downing food establishment]
Adam: Hey! I’m a good boyfriend, I brought you flowers!
Allie: What did you do in Miami? I had a spy down there you know.
Adam: Babe. Nothing happ..
Allie: Well while you were down there, I went and got drinks with this guy. How does that make you feel, huh? Huh? HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?!
Adam: I’m not sure, but I like this change of pace for us. Fighting inside is a lot warmer.
[scene: Opening Ceremony clothing store]
Jess: So what’s up?
Whitney: Your gaptooth? I’m sorry, I mean your horrible turtleneck sweater. Wait, no, that was uncalled for.
Jess: You’re one to talk with your stringy hair. Growing out your natural hair color, are we? Just for that, I’m going to tell you horrible things about Jay. Suck on that.
Whitney: Toucé Gaptooth. Touché.
[Editor's Note: I was totally late to the party, so the first half of this is just Eddie's running commentary on the Awards.]
I AM BLINDED BY THE GLITTER BLINDED BY THE GLITTER ON THE STAGE.
The opening number: This is really adorable in the way that it reminds me of favorite awards show, THE TONYS (wow I am really gay) The middle school sets are amazing. Also Anne Hathaway changed from her horrid mermaid dress. Jazz must be weeping the sadness of the mermaid dress gone away. http://tinyurl.com/djxc6a.
I am watching the show with a Vassar grad that can’t stand Anne Hathaway’s guts so every time she's on the screen we get some awesome insights into Anne’s college life. (Also Meryl Streep and her daughter went to Vassar so go VC)
I want to steal Viola's dress, build a time machine and dance the night away at studio 54.
DEAR Ms. CRUZ find a dress that fits your tits.
Amy Adams shows me the theme this year seems to be “giant overwhelming pieces of jewelry that look like things my Great Aunt Moe would have owned.” True story, my great aunt Moe loved jewelry and used to give it out to the young girls by the toy pram full and always have more. My grandpa called it “Moe’s junk” and some of her junk I still rock. BUT I WOULD NOT ROCK IT AT THE OSCARS that’s the difference. Granted Moe's stuff came from Avon in the 1960’s, 70’s and 80’s but still even if it was real NOT OSCAR WORTHY.
TILDA sometimes you are one of the hottest people ever (see photo shoot where she wore old timey suits) sometimes you look awkward.
OH Ms. Cruz tells us about her childhood and I fear that her right tit is going to fall out. DON’T FALL DON’T FALL OUT! (or maybe do it will amp up the show)
Tina Fey and Steve Martin…for those that don’t know Meg’s dad looks like Steve Martin. This is kind of adorable but TINA FEY is totes posing in a way that seems not her and her eye is saggy in a botox way.
And the screen play winner is…MILK awww one tiny victory and the writer is hot and gay and amazing (he also writes for Big Love which is awesome.)
So Slumdog won for best adapted which isn’t shocking.
Blah blah animation Jack Black being forced funny. Jennifer Aniston’s hair looks as about put together as my hair…the home viewer should not be more put together then the star.
ANIMATION GUY GOES “domo arigato Mr. Roboto!” and it was the most adorable thing I have seen at the Oscars.
Sarah Jessica Parker’s dress looks a bit like it was designed by a wedding Barbie obsessed 6 year old. It's way more wedding dress then Oscar dress and it just does not ‘sit’ well with me/the entire room. Once a Square Peg my dear, always a Square Peg.
OMG AMANDA IS WEARING A DRESS THAT IS PRETTY MUCH A GIANT BOW and I loves me some bows so I am all for this dress. Plus it is very young in a good way; it is 100% age spot on. The banter is very force and awkward and just high school drama club.
Joaquin Phoenix joke…and Natalie Portman looks adorable but like an anorexic Barbie doll. You look like you are from a Hasidic Meth Lab is the new YOUR MOM joke. There was a guy coming back to his seat in the front row after a bathroom break BET HE FEELS LIKE A JERK.
On Jessica Biel: “that dress is very unfortunate” says the queer male in the room. I say and her hair looks like something you rock on a walk of shame. BAD CALL draping gone wrong, I’ve seen better draping on frat boys on their way to a toga party.
4 screwmosas in and we made popcorn in ye old popcorn maker and the pop corn is hitting my head. Also I am so tipsy I have no clue what is going on with the show
TOP HATS UNDERREPSENTIED OF OUR SOCIETY this OMG TOP HATS CANES SINGING IN THE RAIN. [editor's note: I didn't edit anything from here on out, drunk-blogging is something I can get behind.]
BEYONCE in a musical medley OMG MY HEART IS DYING IN A RED HOT UNITARD WITH GLOVES. IN MY DREAMS DREAMS THIS IS IDEAL. THEY ARE MAKING THE OSCARS THE TONY’S WHICH IS PROBS THE BEST THING IN THW WORLD. A TOP HAT WITH A CRYSTICAL PLUME SINGING ABBA. THIS IS A GAYS DREAM MAMA MIA WITH TOP HATS ALL THE GAYS IN THE ROOM ARE SCREAMING SCREAMING I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS!!
JOLE GREY (everyone else is freaking out about Cuba)
PHILIP SEYMORE HOFFMAN A ROCHESTER NATIVE GO RA CAH CAH play weird people dress with oddness I love my hometown.
JOLE GREY IS AMAZING and presenting for the GLTB movie which fits
Cuba uhh for Robert Downy Jr. which is pretty funny.
Awww Heath Ledger won. SHOCK SHOCK his daughter will get it when she is 18 which is adorbs.
“SHUT UP ANNE YOU ARE ACTING RIGHT NOW” (the Vassar grad to Anne Hathaway tears)
me: sorry i'm late mom! but we're live blogging startingggg NOW