Kyle's Moms a Bitch

You know what group of people really irritates the hell out of me? Over-involved PTA moms. They’re always offended and whining about some stupid thing in the holier-than-thou name of the children. Everything is offensive and you can never win with them! Serving water at the T-ball game? Well where do you propose my son Zackary get his electrolytes?! Introducing To Kill a Mockingbird to the eighth grade English curriculum? Well, I’m a proud member of PETA and I refuse to have my daughter exposed to avian violence at such a young age! Bitch, bitch, bitch… Like most people, they take the shred of power they have and run with it, taking it to unnecessary and intrusive places. Just get a hobby—Mahjong, tennis, crystal meth, anything!

Did you know that in the state of Virginia, children are no longer allowed to come to school dressed in their costumes on Halloween? Why? HALLOWEEN IS A PAGAN HOLIDAY AND CELEBRATING IT WOULD BE BLASPHEMOUS! They’re also not allowed to observe Valentine’s Day in class. Why? NOT ALL CHILDREN WILL GET VALENTINE’S FROM EVERY ONE AND THAT’S JUST UNFAIR AND OFFENSIVE! I wish I had a daughter and lived in Virginia because I would force her to come to school every single day dressed as a pirate and hand out love letters just to stick it to the man. This happens to also be reason #235 I don’t think it’s a good idea that I have children.

Although I tend to dwell on random issues for far too long, my irritation with over-involved PTA moms doesn’t really affect my day-to-day life. Sure, every now and then I’m in line at California Tortilla and overhear a conversation between PTA moms about banning black nail polish and want to shove guacamole down their throats, but usually I have nothing to do with them and they have nothing to do with me. However in just a few short months, that might all change...

Ohhhh Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin is a self described “hockey mom” who wants to instill Christian values in our country and teach Creationism in our public schools. Sarah Palin is like the ultimate over-involved PTA mom, but in a frightening twist of civics she’s not just the pain in the ass of her community—she’s about to become the pain in the ass of the free world. And thus the end of the world is nigh.

Follow my logic: In the major potion picture South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, Kyle’s mom, Sheila Brofvolski, starts a war between the US and Canada over bad language, fart jokes and toilet humor on television (see video):

The movie, in summary, is about a small town mom from a chilly climate who becomes a local leader, eventually taking advantage of a community’s ignorance and using scare tactics to rise up and control the government to implement the changes she sees morally fit. Hmm…

Kyle’s mom eventually takes over the American government and executes two Canadian scapegoats making it possible for the Devil (and his lover, Saddam Hussein) to rise above to the Earth to rule for the next two million years. All because as the MPAA says, “horrific, deplorable violence is okay, as long as people don't say any naughty words!”

Worried that Trey Parker and Matt Stone might have predicted the end of the world, I did a little case study between Sheila and Sarah:

Now I’m not a sensationalist, but I do feel comfortable saying that my research and deductive reasoning has led me to strongly believe that Sarah Palin will cause the Devil and his bitch-lover Saddam Hussein to rule the Earth for two million years if she’s voted into office this November.

Fucking over-involved PTA moms...I was irritated when they tried to change the location of my high school graduation from DAR Constitution Hall to a horse stable because it accommodated more people, but when they summon the wrath of the Devil and Saddam Hussein, I am just plain pissed.


2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

taking the metro is so...pedestrian.

shudder, shudder

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