12.14.2009

Dr. Reuben's Q&A o' the Day:

Are there any other types of masturbation beside genital and anal?
Yes. Most people don't talk much about urethral masturbation but it is relatively common. In this form of sexual stimulation, the passage from the bladder to the outside is stimulated by inserting objects and moving them back and forth gently. So far no one has come up with a mechanized way to do this, but, with transistors and miniaturization, it can happen any day.
This type of sexual play is most common in a woman, probably because her urethra is more sensitive sexually. Located between the clitoris and vagina it is well-supplied with nerve connections to these structures. The most common object used for urethral stimulation is the handiest one—a hair pin. Inserted gently and slid back and forth it rarely brings an orgasm itself but facilitates and intensifies clitoral and vaginal masturbation. Safety pins (closed), pencils, rubber bands, and even lipstick cases will do the trick. As the urethra is used more and more this way, it stretches until it will admit the tip of the finger. Women who enjoy this technique then masturbate with one finger on the clitoris, one in the urethra, and one in the vagina. They say that each area multiplies the sensations from the others.
Men also use urethral masturbation but to a much lesser extent. The greater length of the male passage requires longer objects, but these are easily found. Small pieces of wire, lengths of plastic tubing, large caliber pencil leads, all find their way to the urethra.

-----------------

OK. Now, I know it's not cool to judge what gets people off and I'm just as open-minded and Free to Be You and Me as the next gal, but OH, HOLY NIGHT. There is nothing sexy about the thought of shoving anything, nevertheless a metal hair accessory, up my pee hole. Nothing. In fact, that is the antithesis of sexy. If I were to sit down and make a list of 3 of the most unsexy things I can think of, it would be the following:
3.) Nazis
2.) Partial-birth abortions
1.) Shoving something up my urethra and "sliding it back and forth"

I would rather receive a partial-birth abortion FROM a Nazi than shove one single bobby pin up my urethra. The word "shove" and "urethra" shouldn't even legally be allowed in the same sentence unless we're talking catheters. Even then I'd prefer we establish and substitute a safe word, like "foxtrot." Foxtrot the catheter into the urethra. (Nope, still traumatizing.) Urethra itself is such a heinous word. It's like Uruguay and wreath. And then someone shouts AH! at the end because the thought of shoving something up it is so terrifying. Oh my god...my loins.

Oh, and a lipstick case?!

What is your urine stream like if you can comfortably accommodate a lipstick case up there? What does that sound like from the next stall over? Because I'm imagining something like dropping a lake onto a sheet pan and I don't like it.

As for gentleman
shoving wire up your urethra? I don't have a dick and mine still hurts after reading that. I googled "urethral masturbation" (because everyone at work already thinks I'm racist so, fuck it! Let's make 'em think I like autoerotic urethra play as well, huh?!) and one of the first links is "Electrical wire as a foreign body in a male urethra: a case report." Ummm...I clicked it. And let me tell youIT CONTAINS PICTURES! For the love of all that is good and holy, please be warned that it CONTAINS PICTURES! Pictures that gave me a UTI just from looking at them! I can't even talk about what I saw. It wasn't just one wire—it was two. Oh my god, stop. They were the thick radiopaque wires. Meg! Stop typing! And black. Oh my god here it comes...AND HE'S UNCIRCUMCISED AND HAS A WIFE AND KIDS AND GOT MINIMUM SIX INCHES OF WIRE IN AND THREE INCHES WERE LEFT STICKING STRAIGHT OUT AND GAHHHH IT WAS TRAUMATIC!!!!1 So, you know, NSFW! LOLZ! The X-ray is unreal. If you don't think you can stomach the real deal; try the X-ray. You can still make out penis though, so if I were you I'd go home, pour myself a strong drink, call a loved one, sit down and take a look-see. (I'd also take a few Advil first.) (And Midol for the inevitable cramps.)

Thank you Dr. Reuben. You've really outdone yourself!

46 comments:

Anonymous said...

I mean by lipstick case he probably just meant one of these :

http://liquidation-x.com/os_commerce/images/lipstick-pepper-spray.jpg

but still. No lipstick will ever foxtrot my urethra...

Also, I was grimacing and giving shocked faces the whole time I was reading this and my coworker sits across the room sort of facing me and he just asked "ARE YOU OK?" and I replied, "um... yeah...just um reading about um weird stuff..."

Abbie said...

Sweet, sweet baby jesus why.
I quote:
"A large number of self-inflicted foreign bodies have been reported in the male urethra and urinary bladder. The variety of these objects is really impressive, including sharp and lacerating objects (e.g needle, pencil, wire), wire-like objects (cable, rubber tube), parts of animals (bones) or plants and vegetables (hay, cucumber), fluids (e.g, glue) and powders (e.g, cocaine)."

That. Is. Ridiculous. Why would people put stuff in their pee-holes?! CUCUMBERS AND ANIMAL BONES NO LESS. Wow. Congratulations, I am difficult to gross out but you have succeeded.
Now excuse me, I have to stuff glue in my millimeter-wide urination orifice because that's how I get off, apparently.

Katelynn said...

In the spirit of the holidays, I'm trying to decide if replacing 'wire' with 'tinsel' in the case study makes me more or less uncomfortable.

Nate said...

Aaaaand I just threw up. And now I feel like I've just been kicked in the balls... Guys, you know the feeling... That ache that kind of creeps up into your stomach.

Also, how bored with sex do you have to be to start contemplating shoving things into your own urethra?

Like, how do you even get to the point of thinking, "Hmmm... You know, sex is getting kind of lame and predictable. And my hands and all of my sex toys just aren't doing it for me anymore. What could I do to spice things up... OH I KNOW!"

And, like, think about the first time trying it. It probably hurts like hell, so you have to be one determined motherfucker to keep going.

OK, time to go throw up again.

Rachel said...

I will now sit with my legs crossed for the rest of the day.

James said...

ATTENTION: All 2b1b commenters!

I present you with today's supplemental reading from the writer of Fight Club:

http://tinyurl.com/5cy9lr

Enjoy!

Brittany said...

Since we're on the internet, I will let you all know, without shame:

Before Joe and I got married, urethral masturbation was a common thing for him. HE CAN STICK A PENCIL IN THERE.

I was amazed. He did it for me once, and he hasn't done it again.

Anonymous said...

Holy Moley.
That hurt just hearing about it.
Geez.

Single and Shallow said...

I just awarded you an award...stop by my page to claim it.

Cassie said...

Sigh. My copy was supposed to come like three days ago and it still hasn't. I am massively disappointed. Stupid Italian holidays/weekends/strikes always getting in my way.

Also, both my reproductive system and my urinary system are now highly highly disturbed.

Anonymous said...

katelynn - i just yelped in laughter in my office. holy goodness.

Elliot said...

Holy jeez, I literally feel sick after reading that. Why would you subject me to that?

A Girl said...

Let's emphasize the fact that this dumbass had to be brought to the OR and cut open...

The D said...

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm 95% sure I just blacked out from snorting copier toner and had a horrible dream that people were shoving foreign objects in their lemonade stands...

Allow me to blow your mind - wonder if anyone has ever done that with... a Narwhal horn?

Sorry, you needed payback, but that may have gone too far. Knock on your desk 63 times if you need help. 64 times if you've found the Hellfish treasure.

A Girl said...

And may I quote: "A mental illness or drug intoxication may also be the reason "

Yep, that's what I thought...

Margo said...

I am marking James' link as "Not Safe for Life." I am so traumatized.

Stephanie said...

Ohhhhhhh my god.


I don't really have anything to say right now...peope putting things in their peehole? for PLEASURE? my hooha cringes everytime I think about it. omg. yuck. gross. I'm gonna go curl up into the fetal position and think about mystical creatures like unicorns and narwh-....just unicorns

Stephanie said...

Wait. I need to second Margo's motion to make that link Not Safe For Life..........sweet mother of god.

kallay said...

Well there goes my need for sex, like, ever.

I mean, a finger tip? Stretch my what, now?

Jeebus.

Anonymous said...

Ok, while this is incredibly disturbing, it is completely on topic... Incredibly NSFW.

http://theinternetisterrible.com/2027/gah-what-is-wrong-with-people/

Mark said...

My crotch is aching just from reading this.

and my sides hurt from laughing.

Thank you, once again, you delivered.

Anonymous said...

Oh yes nothing like light reading on sounding to jump start an evening. It is obviously something best done with a professional (or a partner one trusts) and requires a safe word. It is a VERY common act males request with dominatrixes.
-Eddie

Anonymous said...

Holy god. Tonight after work I was sitting around with my brand-spanking new roommates - I literally met them 2 weeks ago through a mutual friend and just moved in, soo still in the awk beginning stage (to the MAX because I am the awkwardest human living on god's green). Anyway I had just started reading tonight's post and had the beginning up on my screen when i went to the bathroom. UGH, dumb. When I got back they were like, "ehhmm we borrowed your computer for a sec to look up movie times...why are you reading about urethral masturbation?" They were laughing, but kind of in a "we're really creeped out" way. Bahhh, so I got all hot and flustered and stuttery and made them read other posts to convince them i wasn't into alternative sex blog and they obv looove the blog now. So, just recruited some new fans, no bigs. AND now they think I'm cool - yesss - thanks meggles!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Bahhh, so I got all hot and flustered and stuttery and made them read other posts to convince them i wasn't into alternative sex blog and they obv looove the blog now. So, just recruited some new fans, no bigs. AND now they think I'm cool - yesss - thanks meggles!
i LOVE that story!

ps: i've had a really hard day and disgusting you all made me feel much better. tee hee. <3

Sarah P said...

I think we need to take a little break.

It's not you.

It's the electrical wire sticking out of your uncut peen.

Fat/Broke said...

Vomit. In. My. Mouth. That is so freaking gross!

MadVet said...

Ahahahahaaaa!!! This book is AWESOME - there's no way you can make this stuff up.
Makes you wonder about that little fish in the Amazon that is attracted to the urine stream, makes it's way up the urethra & then attaches itself & GROWS - wonder if anyone has told it about urethral masturbation?
I am so glad I work with animals - people are WAY too weird (unless you're a narwhal)

Abbie said...

Well James, thank you. I will now be purchasing 'Haunted' as soon as possible as 'Guts' was not the grossest thing in there, and I have to find out what is. If I faint and die, I will blame you.

Caitlin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Caitlin said...

"It was the first time he had ever self-inflicted a foreign body in his urethra and he had no history of psychiatric illness or drug addiction."

Glad they were thinking what I was thinking.

Wow.

Cassie said...

I just found a bobby pin in my pocket and had terrible, terrible visions of it entering my urethra.

I will never be able to look at them the same way again.

sarah said...

oh. my. jesus. i immediately regret going to that study. IMMEDIATELY.

A. Rue said...

Sadly, I knew that urethral masturbation existed. At least, in the insert-objects-into-the-urethra-where-God-intended-no-objects-ever-to-go variety. I sometimes read a thread for student doctors, and um... you can't make that shit up. There are apparently vibrators made specially for that.

For anyone who's interested (with a HIGH THRESHOLD for nausea, please):
http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=257985

Lornieloo said...

eugh...eugh..eugh!!! i am mentally scarred after googling said article and looking at the pics out of some morbid curiosity...i should have just taken your word that it was godawful...!!!! now to have a strong drink and repress the memory!!

RetroTrasher said...

Ok I almost lost my shit laughing at: "Because I'm imagining something like dropping a lake onto a sheet pan and I don't like it."
I somehow kept it in and haven't lost my job yet.

shelley said...

@ A. Rue
I saw your comment and then popped over to the student doctors board and wound up staying up til 330 am reading the stories! omg..What a great site! ha ha ha
Thanks for Sharing.. I think..:P
p.s I bookmarked it so I could read more later! ha ha ha!

Brittan said...

omg i'm hurting all over just from reading that. every part of me hurts! MEG, WHY?!?!?!?

Felicity Finn said...

I have never laughed so hard in my life. I think my mind runs the same way as yours, and I love it so hard!

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Lyn said...

OH MY GOD THERE ARE PICTURES. holy crap, meg. holy crap.

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Anonymous said...

From the discussion:
"A large number of self-inflicted foreign bodies have been reported in the male urethra and urinary bladder The variety of these objects is really impressive, including sharp and lacerating objects (e.g needle, pencil, wire), wire-like objects (cable, rubber tube), parts of animals (bones) or plants and vegetables (hay, cucumber), fluids (e.g, glue) and powders (e.g, cocaine)."

1. really impressive
2. parts of animals?
3. bones? what other parts did they find?
4. while I can in no way imagine foxtrotting a lipstick case into my Uruguay + wreath, what guy can foxtrot a CUCUMBER into his??
4. glue? how...does that work?

so many questions, yet sadly, Konstantinos G Stravodimos et. al. provide no answers.

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