Fat Kids

First: I’m so thrilled to be contributing to this blog. Meg is the funniest person I know, and I’m excited to get to work with her. I’ve also had really positive experiences with the few readers I’ve interacted with, which is a step up from the blog I used to co-write, which got death threats. (From one French-Canadian Orthodox Jew, so not like ACTUAL KILLING but still.) Co-Blogger Chris will be a hard act to follow, so if I fuck up I’ll start blogging in green and we can alllll pretend…

Second: Meg and I totally hooked up once. On Oscar nominee Abigail Breslin’s brother’s sofa. She’s good.

Third: I’m so pleased that my “sorr about the bag” thing worked. I think about “sorr about the bag” most days. My faves:

Meg pity-fucks a butter-face guy, but takes the usual butter-face precaution. She is sorr about the bag.

Meg gets a job tending a mountain hotel for the winter. As madness sets in, Co-Blogger Chris inspects her manuscript, only to find that it reads:








Meg vomits in a friend’s purse. “Uh… sorr about the bag?”

It even got the point where when I’d play video games and the characters would say their little pre-recorded taunts, I would respond “sorr about the bag” – aloud, to myself.

“If you seek to destroy the power of Apocalypse, X-Men, you must first defeat the Scarlet Witch!”


The telegram was surprisingly expensive but totally worth it. Let’s make “sorr about the bag” the new “SIKE!” (“Psych?” I’ve never been sure…)

Fourth: Fat kids. I wanted to have this big amazing well-done “Ready or not… here comes Tulane Chris” post, so I half-wrote one about my funeral and one about what I would do if I were a TV executive. Neither of them quite worked, and I was worried I’d lost my touch, when I realized something,

I never told you about the fat kids.

Now, for me, fat kid is a state of mind. It is possible – just – to be fat, and a child, without being a fat kid. It is also possible – easily – to be an adult fat kid. (Full disclosure: in high school, I had junior year third period “Theatrical Design,” also called “dick around on the stage and paint AN prop.” We started bringing food to class – not like “oh here are some Ritz” but like RIBS – and I started calling it “fat class” and it became a tradition. I will, however, point out that I was the slenderest person in the class at the time.) Wherever broken dreams and empty Sno-Ball wrappers lay thick on the ground… there are fat kids. Wherever the smell of desperate sweat mixes with the heady tang of Cheez Curls, there are fat kids. Wherever a homosexual vegetarian in the tenth grade wearing short-shorts leaves a pint of ice cream on the counter for an hours and then drinks it before putting together THE most elaborate Christmas decorations in our entire town… there they are. (I absolutely went to high school with this kid.)

Anyway. Last summer, my boyfriend, hereafter known as Giant Camel, and I drove from central Texas to Philadelphia. It was a wonderful trip, blah blah, I love New Orleans and my boyfriend and seeing new places, whatever. The funny parts happened in Tennessee. Memphis was a nightmare, so we r-r-r-raced across long lean Tennessee to get to the highlight of the trip.


Dollywood is wonderful. You don’t have to love Dolly to enjoy it, but if you love Dolly it’s the best thing in the world. It was the Tennessee sales-tax holiday so everyone else was at the outlet mall, so the park was thinly populated. Blah blah, one of the most nearly perfect days of my life, happiness isn’t funny.


We get to the head of the rollercoaster line, and we see that the park people are having trouble closing the safety bar on this woman. At one point they actually – yes – lift her fat to try to get the bar to close under it. I could never do something like that. I would honestly rather die than say, “Ma’am? Let me just pick up your fat here, and we’ll try to get this bar down to your pubic bone.” I could lift the fat, but I could never say that. Anyway, she had to get off and wait for her friends to ride.

They made her wait in a little corral.

She couldn’t go back through the line and apparently didn’t want to leave without her party, so they shooed her back to a little area to the side with a chain across it, put her in, and rechained it so she wouldn’t get run over by the rollercoaster. This corral is in FULL VIEW OF ALL RIDERS, and when we finished our ride and got off there were three people in it. Three.

So, more Dollywood, and then we leave. As we go across the parking lot, a car passes in front of us, and in the back seat is literally the largest child I’ve ever seen. He’s slumped in the seat, bulging over the seatbelt, breathing shallowly. It was like watching a python digest a sumo wrestler.I have no idea what they did at the park, because I’m not sure this kid could walk, and I’m absolutely sure he was too big for the rollercoaster. Maybe that was why? A good dose of Corral Time and he’ll stop putting chocolate syrup in his Yoo-Hoo?

It was too hot to eat all day so we stop at the Ryan’s on our way back. Those of you who missed the greasy joys of a Southern upbringing may not know about Ryan’s. It’s basically Golden Corral, but not as fancy. If you’re too tired to dress up enough for Golden Corral, you go to Ryan’s.

Now, I am an eater from way back. I was dipping popcorn shrimp in honey mustard when I saw this, and I was still shocked. A family at a table near us had gotten up to leave, but one little girl was still at the table. I heard a shriek, and I turned to see this girl, red-faced, tears leaking out of her little screwed-up eyes, holding onto the table with both hands for dear life and hissing “I’m. Not. READY! I’m. Still. HUNGRY!” Everyone was staring. Everyone at the all-you-can-eat buffet in the Deep South was staring at this little girl’s gluttony tantrum. We had our choice of three kinds of pork, three gravies, and full access to a dessert bar, there was a bucket of ranch dressing in the room, and this eight-year-old girl was putting all us button-straining Confederate eaters to shame.

Ending posts is clearly my weak spot, as attested by the Terry Cooper “and then he bought a motorcycle” ending, which is true but lacks any and all dramatic tension. If this were a short story, I could make up a future for this girl, full of curly fries and boyfriends with beautiful brown eyes who say things like “I like a soft woman” and get employee discounts at Sonic. If this were CNN, I could end this post with some vague, not particularly helpful “tips” for making children marginally less overweight, i.e. “Take the refrigerator out of your child’s bedroom, or stock it with healthy snacks like chicken stock and raw yams.” And if I were giving a report to Ryan’s stockholders, I could just draw little pigs at a trough throwing cash in the air. As it is, I’ll just ask that, next time you enjoy a delicious meal, take a bite for the little girl at Ryan’s. She’ll thank you for it.


Sarah said...

Chocolate syrup in Yoohoo?

Best idea of the day.

A tip of my hat to you, sir.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Well done, Chris. Between Dollywood and Ryan's, this was like a trip home for me this morning.


No Name said...

I missed something...
who are you? and where did Chris go?

Anonymous said...

Corral time. That's too good! I'm gonna use that whenever a fattie is acting a fool... It's like time-outs for hambeasts!

On another note, why didn't you enjoy Memphis? I LOVE that place!

abbey said...

Nino, go back a few posts to Friday. Coblogger Chris is off being a big kid. This is Tulane Chris who has chosen to contribute. This is his first post in which he slaps is all in the face with his awesomeness.

Layla @ The Midnight Garden said...

Dollywood!! Oh, lulz. My morning just became *that much* better.

Wiggs (The Beholder) said...

Love it. You're hilar (and I don't use that term lightly). I've always dreaded the possibility of having a gut so big I could physically lift it.

Anonymous said...

I have ALWAYS wanted to go to Dollywood...but now that I have heard this story I am making it my top priority in life so I can see people get put in a corral

Thanks for officially becoming the other bird Chris!

Hails said...

I needed this today! The visuals you paint are killing me!

Bren said...

the "take the refrigerator of your child's bedroom" made me laugh out loud...my brother got a mini fridge for his room for his 15th or 16th bday and i think it was the best present her ever got. he was so excited. although he is a skinny freak who is no where near fat but still hilarious...he wishes he was a fat kid.

E. said...

This is only my second ever comment on 2birds1blog, but i had to sign in to let you know that, after mentioning Dollywood and butter-faces (though I affectionately call men Butt-His-Faces), Tulane Chris is my new BFF. Thanks guys for always keeping me entertained at work!

Stef said...

“Take the refrigerator out of your child’s bedroom"

I may be pulling a 'Meg' here, but does this really happen? I know in a comment above me someone said a brother got a fridge for a birthday, but like, really? Am I the only one who didn't know about these things?

I have one but I am 23 and still have it from college. It also only has 1 can of Yuengling in it from Christmas.

Whitney said...

I was actually thinking about going to Dollywood next month and after this, i need to make it a priority! Welcom Tulane Chris! Your Fat Kid post made my day!

Anonymous said...

i am so FUCKING excited to have tulane chris on the reg. also, you just gave me enough motivation to get through the next week's race training/cemented my commitment to never move back to the south. also, i really appreciate you clearing up the meg hookup early on.

Meg @ write meg! said...

I accidentally snorted Diet Coke twice while reading this, and I consider that you're official welcome, Chris! Welcome. And Dollywood is totally awesome; you're so very, very right.

Tina said...

Can I just add a fat story that took place at Dollywood:

When I was about 3 (so...like over 20 years ago), my parents took me and my sister to Dollywood, and there was some sort of white-water rafting ride (the one with the circular rafts) that we went on, and I kid you not, all the fatties on the ride sat on the same side of the raft, and it sort of just leaned to their side and water came gushing into the raft.

It was awesome.

I hope they've redesigned these rafts by now.

Anonymous said...

Meg has more cool gay friends than Lady Gaga

Anonymous said...

When i saw the "my boyfriend" piece, i was like wait, what? he just said he hooked up with Meg!

why are the good ones gay?

maggie said...

i think "fat kid" posts should become a semi-regular staple here at 2birds.

they don't even need eloquence or embellishment, the fat kids do the funny for you!!

welcome tulane chris!

juggernaut said...

Having grown up 10 minutes from Dollywood - don't be jealous - I can vouch for the fatness of people that visit. That being said, if you visit, eat the pork rinds.

Having grown up 2 minutes from the Ryan's, which - FYI - is directly across the street from the Golden Corral (because one all-you-can-eat buffet just isn't enough) I have also seen this situation play out. It's not pretty.

Anonymous said...

meg-- where did you get the champagne in a can from your twitter feed?!

Jess said...

I really don't know how I feel about this.

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the sir said...

I feel compelled to point out that Dollywood is not SOLELY a freakshow.IT a wonderful theme park in the beautiful Smoky Mountains, and of course it all-Dolly-all-the-time. Freaks are just the gravy.

Anonymous said...

When I saw the title of this post I knew I was going to like you. The first thing I thought of when Meg wrote about waking up with chili cheese fries, was "wow, fat kid moment." I've had so many...

Best fat kid moment was when a (skinny) friend of mine put some hershey's kisses under her pillow (I think she was hiding them from her little cousin or something...) and then she forgot about them. She woke up the next morning with chocolate all over her sheets and smeared on her face.

Anonymous said...

O, but actual overweight children kind of just make me sad. And scared for our future of deep-fried decline.

Anonymous said...

I love to make out with fat kids and get them naked

Anonymous said...

"It’s basically Golden Corral, but not as fancy. If you’re too tired to dress up enough for Golden Corral, you go to Ryan’s."
I've been to a Golden Corral and it seemed to have a fair share of sagging beer guts peeking out of stained white t-shirts, old man butt crack showing, large "free range" breasts and so on. So, wrapping my brain around what less fancy folk wear to Ryan's maybe something I should not try.

CVilleFieldNotes said...

Tulane Chris: You are fantastic.

Allison said...

Haha, reminds me of the time my brother and I were on Space Mountain at Disneyland and our car-thingie was over the weight limit (for the record, we were the DEFINITELY the lightest people in the car...I would guess the next-lightest person had about 70 pounds on my brother). Normally the cars start and go to the right...but this time they went left. For a second we thought "oh cool! We get to go on a secret version of the ride!" No, they just had to split us up into different cars...
You know, since Dollywood clearly doesn't have such weight limits, I'm not sure how comfortable I'd be on those rides.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Meg has more cool gay friends than Lady Gaga
That made me luagh-out-loud.

When i saw the "my boyfriend" piece, i was like wait, what? he just said he hooked up with Meg!

why are the good ones gay?

Because they hook up with me and then decide they're gay, apparently.

meg-- where did you get the champagne in a can from your twitter feed?!
Galaxy Hut in Arlington!

Mrs. Bill said...

This is my first time commenting, but I just had to say that:

A)You have won me over with your stories of the Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg area. I have a special place in my heart for that place.
B)I was driving today down the expressway and I nearly hit someone. I felt terrible and embarrassed. I imagined asking them to pull over to say, "Sorr about the bag". This made me laugh and feel much better. So thanks to you and Meg!

Unknown said...

OH MY GOD. I went to Dollywood probably about 5 years ago and I swear i've never seen so many fat kids in my life. AND we went to the Golden Corral as well and there were for sure many families with children like the girl at Ryan's. And it's not just about the kids being large.. it's about the competitive eating they all participate in at every meal. I feel like a major bitch having said that but as someone else who has experienced Dollywood and Pigeon Forge Tennessee.. i know exactly what you're talking about.

Emily said...

Tulane Chris, I need you to know that I just wrote an email and instead of writing "sorry for the late response," I was DANGEROUSLY close to writing "sorr about the bag."

It's already taking over.

L said...

I second the question "why didn't you like Memphis?" For a guy who brought RIBS to fat class, I'd think it's right up your alley.

Andy From Knoxville said...

Chris, I think I'm going be auditioning for a show in Dollywood for a summer job in the near future. I can only hope some little chubby red-neck sits out in the audience to give me some realistic conditions.

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