EMOTIONS, YOU GUYS. Emotions. I got a lot of them. Which is a completely new and foreign concept to me. Normally I'm so hopped up on anti-depressants and mood stabilizers you could break up with me on the JumboTron at Madison Square Garden and I'd be like "Meh, that's fair" and go back my crossword puzzle without batting an eye, but this week everything is making me emotional. For so many reasons:
1.) Oh, you know, I got the fear of Christ put in me when I thought I was getting fired. My bosses never had that TALK with me yesterday, by the way. It was so anti-climactic. They were in meetings all day and every time they'd come out, I'd tense up and prepare for the Dynasty-style cat fight that never came. (And this has nothing to do with anything, but remember last Augustwhen I said I wanted to bring back Dynastyinspired nude pumps? Well according to Piperlimethey're the hottest thing since sliced J-Woww. And WTF? This is like the time in 10th grade when I wore a long, powder blue sweater coat to the homecoming football game and everyone shamelessly made fun of me because it "looked like I was wearing a bath robe" and then six months later you couldn't swing a dead cat without hittin' a bitch wearing one. Looking back, they might have been making fun of me because it was powder blue, but still! If stick pins and narwhals blow up, Imma be rull pissed. But in the mean time, sexy can I?: August's mission: accomplished. Crystal Carrington would be proud. Those puppies are just neutral and bland enough to match any flashy pattered shirt dress appropriate for lunch at the St. Dennis club.)
Anyways, what was I talking about before that obnoxiously cocky little fashion rant? Oh, yes my obnoxiously dramatic little emotions. (God you want to have sex with me.) So I'm not fired, but this entire ordeal has sent me into this huge tailspin about the direction of my life and what I should be doing with it right now. Which I completely don't appreciate. I feel like last summer (when I wasn't busy predicting Spring '10 shoe trends) I was having the same freak out but managed to cool my jets for a while. Now after this week, I'm feeling all Antwerpy again and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and I just want to run away, learn Dutch and not have to make a decision ever again ever. But not in that order. Logistically speaking, it would probably make more sense to learn Dutch first. Unless it's hard. Which I hear it is. In which case I plan on getting by with my big boobs and American Canadian sass.
2.) The Jersey Shore ended last night. And it was the WORST. EPISODE. EVER. I honestly don't even know if it's worth recapping. It felt like one of those Golden Girls midnight clip shows where the girls pour into the kitchen one by one (—"Sophia! You can't sleep either?"—), break out the cheesecake and reminisce about all of the shitty men they've dated. Except last night's episode was 90% less interesting and 100% more redundant. I expected more from you, Jersey Shore, I really did. I'm not mad at you, I'm just dissapointed. Now go to your room without dinner or a recap and think about what you did. (Lolz. Just kidding. I'll half ass a recap later.)
3.) I am slightly weirded out by my own emotions regarding tonight being Conan O'Brien's last Tonight Show. I'm just taking the situation entirely too hard for someone not related to Conan or one of his staff. I don't really know what else to say besides I just really love him. He's a bit of a hero of mine and I've been watching his show since the (somewhat turbulent) beginning of Late Night. Teresa and I used to have sleepovers every Friday night and get hopped up on Pepsi and pixie sticks so we could stay up until 12:30 and watch. Because even at the somewhat innapropriate age of eight years old, we still knew that man was the tits. I have also spent many a restless and anxious night in middle and high school falling asleep to Late Night and I took extreme comfort knowing that Conan, my little self-deprecating electric blanket, was always there to comfort me. In 2003, the Late Night tickets we requested finally arrived and Teresa and I were fully prepared to skip the first day of our senior year of high school to drive to New York and see a taping. We even had the bright idea of making t-shirts that said "Bonin' 4 Conan" to wear in the audience. Unfortunately, not only were our tickets for the first day of school, they also overlapped with some Republican convention that had recieved numerous bomb threats, and in a very post 9/11 New York, this hadn't become old hat yet. In the end we (and by we, I mean our parents) decided that two 17 year-old girls probably shouldn't drive into New York City alone with t-shirts ensinuating we hooked our way there when terrorists and Republicans are running around wild. Looking back, I just have this to say: pussies. We should have gone. T-shirts and all. Because now we'll never get the chance again and it fucking breaks my heart. Seriously, everytime I think about tonight being the last show my throat closes and my eyes well up with tears; a fact so disturbingly embarassing, I'm not quite sure what to do about it. My plan for tonight is this: meet Helena and Alex at Little Miss Whiskey's after work -> drink to the point of being good and emotionally drunk, but not sloppy. "Wedding Toast Drunk," if you will. -> Go to Andrew's apartment with eye makeup remover and a box of tissues -> Watch the show and cry. And cry and cry. Overall, pretty par for the course for a Friday night in the world of Meghan McBlogger.
But even on sad, sad days like this, there's always something to be grateful for. And today, I'm grateful for our last Jersey Shore recap. But, of course, mostly...I'm grateful it's T.G.I. Hagman.
As of 1:38pm on January 22, Larry Hagman is...alive! Thank god for small favors.
And now, our final Jersey Shore recap—Episode 9: That's How The Shore Goes. (Sticking to last week's resolution, Laura and Andrew joined me as my spotters this week and I felt 100% better having them there. Also, per my notes, Andrew looked "amazing" last night and I need to apologize to Laura for physically assaulting her when I got overly emotional at the thought of Snooki and The Situation falling in love. We seriously had to put a pillow on her thigh because I couldn't stop slapping it when I got emotional. Completely normal things that happen in a friendship.)
So! As we recall from last week, Ronnie got arrested for punching some schmo in the face with his mighty crab claw and scuttling away and back into the sea. (How many hits does it take to the get to the center of a Guido Pop? JUST ONE HIT BRO, JUST ONE HIT!) Unfortunately for Ronnie, he can't get bailed out of jail until 6:30 the next morning, which means he has to spend a brutal three hours in Ocean County jail, which I imagine to be something like Beach Blanket Bingo except gayer. Which is neither here nor there. The next morning the Sammi begrudgingly hauls her ass out of bed and goes to pick up Ronnie from the clink. They have an emotional reunion because, you know, this is the first time she's had to sleep alone without Ronnie by her side since getting there. 27 days ago. And Haiti thought they had it rough...Overall I'm impressed with Ronnie's post-jail look. His faux-hawk is still perfectly in place, he looks well-rested and doesn't even need to take a shower. Whereas I come home from sitting on my ass watching Hulu at work all day and look like I've just pulled a truck eight miles with my teeth in the hot sun. So, well played Ronald. Well played.
It being Labor Day weekend, the gang wants to go out with a big bang. Which is a great idea, except they all stink like AIDS and nobody will touch 'em with a 10-foot pole. Sucks. I'd say the only interesting part of this episode was when Snooki has a very B. Spears-esque emotional breakdown after being blown off by Cowboy O'Hoolihan and her ex-boyfriend, whom she's still in love with, in the same day. The ex-boyfriend thing was rough, I'm not going to lie. She sees him on a balcony, blows him a kiss and he flat-out looks down and says, "No." Snookers can not catch a break. At a certain point, you just gotta assume that god must just really hate that girl. (Am I right or am I right??) Snooki then does what I think we'd all do in that situation and freak-dances by herself on the boardwalk, attracting the likes of old men, skeptical grandmas, hobos and drifters. It was like Intervention: The Dance Remix and I was in no way mad. Shockingly, when this doesn't make her feel any better, she goes home to cry on the roof like some kind of emo blogger, where The Situation gives her a nice little pep talk.
That night the boys go to the boardwalk to play arcade games, which I mention only because Andrew, feeling inspired, decided that his new pick up line from now on is going to be "Wanna play with my skee balls?" and I feel like that's worth mentioning. After that, the boys go home and decide to stay in for the night and cheer up old Snooks. (A gesture that is so touching I punch Laura in the face and stab her in the kidney. At this point I also drunkenly shouted, "I LOVE YOU GUYS!" to which Andrew asked, "Are you talking to us or the TV show?" and I genuinely didn't know the answer.)
The gang then reminisces about the past "summer" (read: past 27 days) for the next 30 minutes and it's boring as fuck all because they each just repeat the same thing over and over again in 90 different ways. It was the most bizarre thing. Thank god The Situation and Snooki make out in the hot tub for a few minutes and break up the RemFest. Which can be summarized as:
- I can't believe this is our last night. - It was a crazy summer. - I don't regret anything. - I didn't expect to fall in love at the Jersey Shore. - I hope we stay friends. - We are like a family. - I can't believe we made it. - We did it. - We made it through it. - We did it without not not making it through it. - Man, I got so much pussy. - Remember when part of the plot was we had to work at the boardwalk? - No. - Me neither. - I like summer. - We should do this next year. - Ok, see you then. And at promo work. And paid appearances. And in the real world. - Ok, bye. - Bye.
Our season ends with The Situation standing on the roof, wistfully looking out across the boardwalk as he dramatically raises his arms in the air like a prize fighter and proclaims, "I DID IT!"
...Did what, asshole? You just got paid to party at the beach for a few weeks; you didn't survive 'Nam. Maybe be a little less dramatic next time, [scoff] am I right? Aaaaaaaaand with that, I'm going to go watch Late Night clips on youtube and cry hysterically into an Italian flag because good television as we know it is over and thus life is not worth living. I leave you with one of my favorite Late Night sketches of all time. It's been a pleasure to recap the J.S. for you, thanks for dealing with my drama this week, have a great weekend and we'll see you back here on the blog Monday morning. Buh-bye.
Today is going to be a grab bag of a post. Because I'm so fucking hungover. Probably going to vomit. Hope nobody's in the bathroom when I do. Hurts to make sentence structure. Want hug. But not too hard. Or will vomit.
- First things first: remember last Friday when I jokingly asked somebody to make me a ringtone of The Situation whispering "That's a lot of pickles" from Jersey Shore? Well reader Candace M. actually did. BOOM! So, thank you Candace. Give me your address and I'll send you my first born child.
- Re: my job—I got an email this morning from Boss #1 and #2 saying that we need to sit down and have "a talk" this afternoon. This does not bode well for me. I'd go into how I called my mom crying and how my stomach feels like a 300-pound man is breakdancing inside of it, but where's the humor in that?
- Instead let's talk about what a bust J-Woww and Pauly D's appearance at McFadden's last night was. What the fuck was up with that, you guys? Dan, Andrew V (not Andrew of The Great Juno Debate fame) and I got Gudio/Guidetted up (seriously, check out Andrew's Pauly D hair. It was a work of art,) drained my Jäger tap and headed over to the bar at about 10:30ish. First of all, there was a line to get in. STEEERIKE ONE! I have a theory that any establishment with a line, cover charge, or raffled happy hours is probably about as cool as a pair of Bugle Boy jean shorts. So, basically speaking, my theory is that McFadden's is probably about as cool as a pair of Bugle Boy jean shorts. HOWEVER! You don't get the opportunity to fist pump with J-Woww and Pauly D everyday and I'd do just about anything for a good story (or a free t-shirt,) so we got in line. Then we found out that the cover charge was $40. STEEERIKE TWO! 40 fucking dollars?! Are you kidding me?! I was ambivalent when I thought it was five! I don't think I'd pay 40 dollars to get into a burning house to pull a family member out, nevertheless gawk at two reality TV stars across a crowded Bro bar. We briefly considered pulling a "I'm somewhat-borderline-almost-kind-of-just-a-little-bit-of-a bloglebrity. Wanna knock a zero off for me?" but I think the only person impressed by that is my mom ("impressed"..."upsest"...semantics) and it probably wouldn't pull that much weight with the bouncer. Plus he point-blank told us we were asking him too many questions and to go away. That was also a nice little clue. Suddenly cameras started going off in front of the entrance, as J-Woww and Pauly D had shown up and were doing a TV interview with Christ only knows who on the saddest little cat fashion show of a red carpet I have ever seen. I took a picture with my digital camera but it wasn't nearly interesting enough to justify searching through my closet to find the USB cord to upload it onto here. Sorry about that. After a few minutes the dynamic duo went inside and we decided to take advantage of the line of people and promote the blog. And when I say "we" promoted the blog, I mean Andrew V and Dan promoted the blog while I awkwardly lurked by the trashcans playing with my hair because self promotion makes me heinously uncomfortable. And then we ran out of stickers. And started sobering up. STEEERIKE THREE! We were outta there. We hopped in a cab and went over to Big Hunt (where our ironic Guido outfits were no longer obviously ironic) and drank our dissapointment away.
Final summation:Jersey Shore night at McFadden's was a total bust and in no way worth the 10 dollars I spent on the powder blue cheetah print hoodie and matching bra strap headband I wore to it.
(Turn up sound!)
Welp! Off to go have my meeting with The Axis of Evil. I'm going to channel my idol, Kelly Cutrone, and utilize some of her many words of wisdom: "Be brave and always tell the truth. And don't take any shit" and considering what's probably about to happen, I will specifically be utilizing: "If you have to cry, go outside."Will do Ms. Cutrone. Will do.
T.G.I. fuckin' Hagman. And this is your first T.G.I. Hagman, isn't it?! God, I'm so excited for you. I remember my first T.G.I. Hagman like it was yesterday. Sit back and get ready for the ride of your life...
As of 2:02pm on January 15, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive. WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111
And speaking of wins, last night's (double) episode of The Jersey Shore was pretty fuckin' sweet. I'm not gonna lie; I went into things a little skeptically. First of all, MTV: you need to stop doing these late-night double feature picture shows. As much as I love the idea of two new episodes of The Jersey Shore, I physically can not stay awake until midnight on a week night anymore. I just don't have the stamina. I have to be up at 7:30 in the morning, it had been a long day at work, I had just had a few cocktails at dinner, I skipped my morning Benefiber that day...I just think it's a lot to ask of me. Then you have the fact that last night's first episode started with a bunch of Ronnie/Sammi relationship crap that I was in no god given way interested in. I would rather watch two people Papier-mâché a piñata in tense silence for 15 minutes. I'm not being sarcastic when I say that that genuinely sounds more interesting. Plus, I've been a little uncomfortable with how popular The Jersey Shore has become recently. Remember the days when everybody was so offended by it and advertisers were pulling their spots left and right and it felt so wrong it had to be right? Sigh...I miss those days. Now it's all super mainstream, the cast is overexposed, I didn't see AN single commercial for Body Heat cologne last night and 'eh...it just makes me nervous. I just wasn't feelin' it going into last night's episode(s). But, I was happily surprised. Last night's episode(s) reminded me why I fell in love with The Jersey Shore in the first place. It's like The Jersey Shore and I are a couple who've been dating for a few years and stopped having sex and everything's become so routine, but all we needed was a romantic weekend alone in the Poconos to reconnect and rekindle our fiery passion. Well I'm back baby, and I'm sorry I ever doubted this relationship. Now get on that bed...I'm gonna recrap the living shit out of you.
Episode 7: What Happens in the AC
UGH. Vom. Episode 7 opens with a Ronnie and Sammi wrapping up their drama from the end of last week's episode. I'm not going to lie, I kind of zoned out and started plucking my eyebrows at this point, so I'm going to go ahead and skip like 15 minutes into the show after they (obviously) made up and everything was back to normal. Deal? Deal. Tweeze? Tweeze.
The gang goes out the next night to see Pauly D guest spin at a local clerb. It was one of those magical nights where everybody hooked up. (God I miss those nights...) Even the two people in the house who never hook up were hookin' up! AND MOZEL TOV, BABY! Snooki hooked up with an Irish cowboy named Keith (no, but like...for realz) and Vinny was hanging out with Tanya (of Boss Danny's date, fame) for the third time. Which means he matched the longest relationship I've ever had in my life, so a tip of the hat to you, sir. The gang rounds up whatever creatures they've caught in their trawl and head back to the house. Tanya and Vinny start snuggling sweetly in the hammock but are slightly distracted by Mike and his date, Paula, who are fucking ass-to-mouth four feet away from them in the hot tub. Snooki and Cowboy O'Hoolihan join them on the roof and Mike decides there's now too much of an audience and it's time to take Paula to his bedroom. (Ahh, the secluded privacy of night vision cameras.) As Mike leads Paula down the stairs, she slips and 100% faceplants. But don't laugh, you guys, BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN THERE! And it is not funny. One time in Junior year of high school, Talia and I went over to this kid Ryan's house who had a treehouse in his back yard that was like...a miniature version of his actual house with fully working electricity and everything. (It's normal, go with it.) I didn't want to go up in the tree house because, obviously, I was going to fall trying to get back down. I mean, I'm me; it's a given. Giving in to peer pressure as most girls in their Junior year of high school do, I went up. About fifteen minutes later as I descended the recently rained on wooden steps leading down from the treehouse, my J-Crew rubber flip-flops of death gave out underneath me and I went tumbling down the stairs and body-planted on the stone patio. Not only was this highly embarrassing on a level that I'm still not ready to emotionally confront, it was extremely painful. Talia, Ryan and Talia's then boyfriend Greg, however, were craaaaaaacking up while I tried laugh it off and fight back tears. The next day I had to take the ACT's (because of course I did) and I couldn't concentrate on the test because every single muscle in my body felt like it had been hit by a truck and the throbbing pain was all I could think about. From that day on, I vehemently refused to go to any parties at Ryan's house because it was the scene of The Incident. So traumatic. I still remember exactly what I was wearing that day. This incident is on par with the Ziplock bag/Goldfish story in how it still makes me feel really anxious to think about. Christ. Why was I talking about this in the first place? Where am I? What am I doing? Oh, yes! Blog. Recapping.
So everyone bangs out and it's all good and fun until the next morning when Paula's friend Lauren comes a-knockin' on the door. It turns out Paula overslept and missed her first day at work. Lauren proceeds to ream Paula out in a way that was so over dramatic it makes me wonder if they planned it and The Situation deals with the entire...situation...by hiding in the shower until they leave. And speaking of The Situation being kind of a douchebag! Everyone in the house hates him and things are starting to get rull tense. The Situation makes fun of Vinny for being so creepily close to him in proximity last night when he was hooking up in the hot tub, which I think is slightly bizarre considering how he routinely fucks girls in a twin bed seperated from Pauly D's twin bed by a gap the size of a Kit-Kat, but who am I to judge? Then this pithy little dialogue exchange goes down:
Vinny to The Situation: I would never wanna be like you when I'm 27, bro. The Situation to Vinny: Whatever bro, you have no game. Vinny to The Situation: That's not what your sister said.
And as per my notes: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHIT! OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!
The Situation LOLs it off, J-Woww tapes a pair of neon yellow spandex biker shorts from 1994 across her nips and calls it a shirt and they all head out to meet up with (speaking of...) Mike's sister at the clerb.
Ok. There's some drama. Let's break it down:
The Situation/Ronnie/Sammmi: I mean, do you really care? In a nutsthell: The Situation tries to start shit between Ronnie and Sammi but true love conquers all. DONE. Do you mind if we just leave it at that? Ok, good. THNX.
Vinny: Vinny is Flirts McGirts with The Situation's little sister Melissa, not only because he likes her but also because it pisses The Situation off. "The fact that she's Mike's sister makes it so much better...it makes it the funniest thing," he giggles. OH VINNY! Vinny's little plan works wonderfully until TANYA, of Boss Danny's date fame, walks into the club and sees Vinny with Melissa. OH SHIT, YOU GUYS!!!1 Tanya pounces on Vinny in an effort to mark her territory and wordlessly tell Melissa to step the fuck off. Melissa obviously gets all bummed out, which pisses of The Situation even more. To quote The Situation, "I'm pissed off because he's not taking care of my sister." This seems like a slightly odd thing to say. I can understand being pissed because Vinny's leading his sister on, but not because he's not tending to her biblical needs. If Geoff broke up with Becca tomorrow, I don't think I'd go over to his place of work with a baseball bat all, "NOW WHO'S GONNA GET HER OFF, ASSHOLE?!?!?!" In the end, Vinny weighs his options and decides to go home with Melissa because "she's a sure thing." But then again Tanya has a dolphin tattoo on her arm...sooooooo...we're not really talkin' Sophie's Choice here.
Pauly D: Meets a nice Jewish Israeli girl named Danielle. He takes her home and invites her upstairs but she declines saying "we've got to wait for marriage, right?" At this point the camera zooms in on Pauly D's flabbergasted face and MTV inserts an ethnically-charged grunting noise. (God, I wish my job was to put ironic sound bytes in episodes of The Jersey Shore. How do I make that happen?) Despite Danielle's chastity belt, he's still interested because he "likes a challenge."
Unfortunately Pauly D doesn't have much time to chase Danielle around the hoopa, because the next day the gang heads to Atlantic City for the weekend to escape the stress and strife of selling t-shirts on the boardwalk once a week and refilling Valtrex prescriptions. The boys obviously pack an emasculating number of outfit changes with them. "I like my clothes like I like my women: options," The Situation jokes. "You like your women like you like your clothes: dirty!" Vinny jabs back. "I like my men like I like my estranged fathers in Lifetime movies: emotionally unavailable!" Meg adds, bringing the jovial mood to an awkward halt.
That night the gang goes out to dinner and things go from bad to worse. As with all fights on The Jersey Shore, things start out with some good natured ribbing and take a sudden turn for Seriousville fast. Vinny and The Situation give each other shit for a while until Snooki dives in on the fun and tells Mike that nobody in the house likes him and he can go fuck himself, please pass the rolls. "Don't worry honey, you got a couple," The Situation says. And eeeeeeshhhh...Snooki used to have an eating disorder. WAMP, WAMP! Snooki leaves the table crying and old J-Woww runs after to console her while the rest of the table lets Mike know exactly how fucked up that was. Oh J-Woww. This is going to sound heinously offensive and I don't mean it to be, but this scene made me miss Talia a lot. I know that sounds horrible, but I see a girl with a flat stomach, blond hair and giant boobs wiping the tears away from the eyes of a hot little black-haired mess and it's like, shit—how many times has that been us? Everyone has a friend like J-Woww. And god bless the J-Woww's of the world.
Feeling guilty, The Situation apologizes to Snooki, who cautiously accepts. To celebrate, J-Woww changes outfits and I swear to god puts the following on: acid wash jeans with giant frayed holes on the thighs, a large bedazzled belt and a plaid shirt completely unbuttoned, tied directly under her giant, professionally augmented breasts. At this point somewhere in Washington, DC, a blogger laying in her bed wearing Jack Daniel's pajama pants and a wife beater starts a slow clap.
Drama Guide:
Snooki: Falls off a couch and it's kind of funny.
Vinny: Hooks up with a token ho, goes to the bathroom and The Situation pulls a "Robbery Move" (meaning he swoops in and grabs her for himself.) Later, Vinny asks Mike: "HOW DOES MY DICK TASTE BRO?!" and I fell out of my bed laughing. So there's that.
Ronnie/Sammi: Fuck if I know and fuck if I care.
J-Woww: YOWZAHS. Homegirl partakes in one too many libations and has to purge in the bathroom. After she's done, she finds Mike and although she's beastly sorry to interrupt his evening, politely asks if he would be so kind as to squire her back to the room, as she has taken ill and a Lady never leaves an establishment such as this alone. Mike ever-so-rudely declines the offer and goes back to finger banging a complete stranger on the couch where so many complete strangers have been finger banged before. Miffed, J-Woww slaps Mike across the face with her riding glove and is escorted out by security, Mike laughing at her misfortune all the way. Once back at the Inn, The Dutchess Woww regails Master Ronnie and Lady Sweetheart with the tale and decrees: "I shall throw a punch and then retire to bed!" And that's exactly what she does. Mike comes home, she punches him in the face, says "goodnight" and goes to bed.
Thus ends this chapter of Crapsterpeice Theater.
Episode 8: One Shot
Ok, I have a comment. Remember in Real World Seattle when Stephen slapped Irene and it was like the most disturbing thing the world had ever seen since Jesus' crucifixion and the producers stepped in and showed the footage to the rest of the house and Lindsey covered her face and cried and the house had an emotional group meeting about whether or not they felt safe living in the same house as Stephen? Yeah. What a bunch of fuckin' pussies. Ok, moving on!
So the drama from AC is temporarily forgotten and Vinny and Pauly D celebrate by hitting the boardwalk to chase some skirt. They meet a bunch of token ho's who are out cruising for henna tattoos and cartilage piercings (that's not me being an asshole, by the way. That's really what they were up to,) and decide they're worth pursuing. While everyone is walking around and flirting, Pauly D's would-be Israeli girlfriend shows up out of nowhere. He promises if she leaves he'll call her later and she does so. Until she comes back with a homemade "I [Star of David with the Italian flag behind it] Jewish Girls" t-shirt for him. And oh. My. Lolz. I absolutely plan on making a t-shirt that says, "I [Star of David with the Italian flag behind it] The Jersey Shore" as soon as humanly possible. Pauly D tells Danielle to go home again and once again she does. Pauly goes on a ride with a token ho and the second he gets off the ride, guess who's back? Yep. Yentl. She runs up to Pauly and starts kissing and hugging him like he's her boyfriend. To quote Wedding Crashers, "We got a stage 5 clinger on our hands. Hello?? Did you hear me? I said stage 5: virgin!" Pauly D and Vinny call the night a wash and head back to the house where Danielle proceeds to call repeatedly. Pauly begs Vinny to answer the phone and pretend to be The Situation, prompting one of the most hilarious scenes in television history. This show deserves an Emmy based on Vinny's spot-on impression of The Situation alone. Not quite getting the hint, Danielle continues to quack the phone off it's beak all night and it's 3-parts hilarious, 1-part incredibly sad.
Bored out of their minds, The Situation and Pauly D decide to prank Snooki and Vinny by putting gross shit under their beds. They put sliced pickles under Snooki's bed and a stink bomb concotion consisting of "grated cheese, milk, Supreme dressing, pickle juice and mayo" called "Hatorade" under Vinny's bed. I mention this only because there's a beautiful moment when Mike and Pauly have just successfully put the pickles under Snooki's bed and are in the living room giggling at their own genius when Mike breaks the fourth wall, looks directly into the camera and whispers "That was a lot of pickles.......that was a lot of pickles," while slowly nodding his head in self-satisfaction. If someone could figure out how I can get The Situation whispering "That was a lot of pickles" to be my ringtone, I would greatly appreciate it.
The next day Pauly finally decides to take Danielle's call. She chews him out for "playing her" and like a housewife on Oxygen's Snapped, Pauly has had enough and let's Danielle know exactly how much of a psycho she is. And let me tell you, this scene is fucking cinematic magic. Better than Gone With The Wind. My absolute favorite part is when Pauly D shouts: "You stalked my entire life at the boardwalk. I WENT ON ONE RIDE, GOD BLESS ME IT'S SUMMER!!!!" Oh my fucking god. I was dying. Dying! It's gotten to the point where I feel completely guilty watching this show alone because nobody should laugh this hard or this loudly watching reality television alone in their apartment. From now on I won't drink or watch Jersey Shore alone anymore. Both are a symptoms of a larger problem.
That night there's some more The Situation/Ronnie/Sammi love-traingle drama but who gives a flying fuck, so let's move on to the night after that. The gang goes out to the clerb and in desperate need of an HBI, Snooki wears a straight-up corset and hot pants. She seriously looks like someone's Halloween costume, but whatevs. It suits her. Old Danielle stalks Pauly down at the club to let him know how much of a stalker she isn't and bless his summer heart, he loves the challenge and invites her home with him anyway. As the gang heads home, a group of token ho's passes by and re: Snooki's outfit shouts, "Go back to New Jersey or New York with your trampy outfits!" Trying to have Snooki's back, Sammi starts yelling shit back at the girls and out of nowhere an all-out brawl explodes. A few random security people break up the fight and the gang continues to walk home until suddenly one of the random guys from the brawl is back and shouts another insult at the cast. In .2 seconds flat, Ronnie RUNS him down, punches the Christ out of his facehole and skuttles away sideways like a crab while repetedly shouting, "THAT WAS ONE SHOT, BRO! THAT WAS ONE SHOT!"
I'd be lying if I said it wasn't slightly badass. But, this is America and you can't just go around beating the Christ out of people's faceholes and skuttling away like a crab, so the fuzz steps in, puts Ronnie in cuffs and hauls his ass away. Which was kind of a comical image because he was wearing a gay little Ed Hardy t-shirt at the time with giant angel wings on the back. It kind of makes you wonder, what kind of asshole cop arrests an angel?
FIN.
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As per always, thank you so much for reading the blog, have a great weekend, shameless begging to follow us on Twitter, join our Facebook page, forward us to your friends, blah blah shameless, blah. See you back here Monday babies!
Happy Recap Friday! God I've missed the Jersey Shore gang, haven't you? Up until last night I was still an episode behind (unclean...UNCLEAN!) so here's a quick recap of Episode 5: Just Another Day at the Shore.
We finally get to see the aftermath of Snooki getting punched, which consists of a lot of crying, people puffing their chests out like proud birds and throwing the phrase "grown ass man" around a lot. And Lord knows aint nothin' wrong with that.--> The Situation is a total A-fuck in everybody (but especially Ronnie's) eyes because you know that episode of The Office when Michael falls into the koi pond and Jim backs away awkwardly instead of trying to help? Yeah, well that's what The Situation did to Snooki. And MTV shows it like 900 times in black and white slo-mo with only The Situation highlighted, which is hilarious in and of itself. --> Ronnie says "sawr" instead of saw, which is endearing and irritating all at the same time (a.k.a. exactly how I like my men.) --> The gang bonds like Na to Cl after the fight (is 9:30 too early in the morning for a science joke?) which I totally get, as evidenced by the name of Anna's Facebook photo album from the weekend of our infamous Roosevelt Island fight: "The Gang that Slugs Together, Hugs Together." --> Ronnie's family comes for a visit and his moms almost pees her Jordache jeans when Sammi takes forever to get ready for lunch --> The house has a big surf and turf dinner and there's lots of comical shots of Snooki struggling to open her mouth to accomodate various foods, which begs the question how can she felate a pickle? --> Sammi and The Situation get in a fight because she refuses to do the dishes even though he cooked. This reminds me that I would rather watch 10 days worth of Body Heat cologne commercials than ever have a roommate again. Ultimately Sammi puts her foot down and The Situation bans her from "Surf 'n Turf Night, Ravioli Night, Chicken Cutlet night" et al. I send an urgent telegram to The Situation telling him that I'll clean his entire kitchen with my toungue if I can come to even one of those nights. --> The Situation meets a girl who he doesn't just want to fling around in the air like a-pizza-pie-a, but actually wants to "do sweet things for." Unfortunately for him, she has blacklight eyes and sees the cum stains and AIDS all over him and runs in the other direction. --> Some chick calls J-Woww and Snooki fat at the clerb and J-Woww Chris Browns her ass up, down and sideways. --> Where it's at? Pauly D's got two turn tables and a microphone. And those turn tables are bedazzled.
Sammi and Ronnie are That Couple (Theresa Cilbert?) who sulk in the corner of the party and leave early to go home, cuddle and watch Two and a Half Men. --> Vinny hooks up with a "hot" cougar who ends up being Boss Danny's date for the night. OHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
OK, good. I feel better. Now that that's out of the way, I present you with Episode 6: Boardwalk Blow-Ups.
So, yes. Vinny is in the awkward position of realizing that he just stuck his tongue down the throat of his boss/landlord's date. LOLZ—Claaaaaassic Vinny! Frankly I couldn't be more excited by this turn of events. Vinny's just knocking out the competition for me and I appreciate him buying me the extra time because my Jessica Simpson hair extensions haven't come in the mail yet. I'll make that Danny character mine soon...oh don't you worry...I'll make him mine. Anyway, Danny is pretty cool about it the next day at work with Vinny. (Probably because he knows in his heart of hearts that he's in love with a snarky blogger who loves gummy foods and taking the easy way out.) And speaking of Vinny! His love life is a-boomin' huh?? He talks to The Situation's little sister on the phone for a solid 45 minutes and decides that he's in lerve with her, which The Situation actually supports. But apparently Vinny was busy practicing how to shave his head Saturday mornings as a youth and never saw the episode of Saved by the Bell when Zack dates Slater's little sister and every time he goes to make out her, she turns into Slater in a wig. Because that's essentially what happens to Vinny. Minus the acid wash jeans. Well, that's a lie and we both know it. Plus the acid wash jeans. Much like with Zack and JB, Ronnie and The Situation's sister decide to just be friends and Dennis Haskins crypt-walks in and fist-pounds us into the commercial break. (God, If only.)
Now, I've gotten into some stupid fights in my day, but that night after leaving the club, Ronnie and Sammi get into what has to be The World's Dumbest Couple Fight in the History of Couple Fights. Strong statement, I know, but I'm sticking by it. As Ronnie and Sammi are in a cab en route to change into sweatpants and have a tickle war or whatever it is that Theresa Cilberts leave parties early to do, they start playfully ribbing each other when out of nowhere it gets uncomfortably serious. It's like when you call your friend a ho and they're like, "yeah, well your mom's a ho! HAHAHA!" And you're like, "HAHAH, no your mom's a ho!" And then they're like, "MY MOM DIED IN CHILDBIRTH, ASSHOLE!" and things get really serious all of a sudden and you have to explain that you were joking and in no way think their mother actually exchanged sex for money and you wished you had never said anything in the first place. That's what happened. Sammi calls Ronni a "stumpy bastard" so Ronni calls Sammi a "stumpy bastard" and it's all good and fun until he calls Sammi's toes stumpy bastards, which unbeknownst to Ronnie she's actually sensitive about. Suddenly she's on the roof hysterically crying and he tries to apologize, but she tells him to fuck off and he tells her that if she walks away now it will be "strike three" and she dramatically walks away as he shouts after her, "WALK AWAY SAMMI, WALK AWAY...IT'S WHAT YOU'RE GOOD AT!" Other overly-dramatic Lifetime movie-esque lines he could have used:
"WALK AWAY SAMMI, WALK AWAY...YOU SHOULD BE USED TO IT!"
"WALK AWAY SAMMI, WALK AWAY...JUST LIKE WITH EVERYONE ELSE WHO TRIES TO GET CLOSE TO YOU!
"WALK AWAY SAMMI, WALK AWAY...JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER!"
Ronnie joins the boys to go "creep" in revenge but can't because he loves Sammi, stumpy bastard toes and all, comes home and they make up. Like I said...World's Dumbest Couple Fight in the History of Couple Fights. (Also, I would just like to point out that post-cab fight, pre-roof fight, Ronnie grills himself a piece of chicken. What the fuck? When I come home from a night of partying it's an honest-to-god challenge to pour myself a bowl of cereal. Seriously, I walked into my kitchen the other morning and it looked like Wolverine tried to open a box of Kashi with his claws. I can't imagine getting a grill involved.)
ONTO OUR NEXT FIGHT! Remember that girl Alex The Situation hooked up with a little while back? The one who's BFF was The Grenade who told her she "really didn't want to be doing this"? Well, The Situation runs into her again at a bar and invites her back to the house. She says she has to "get something out of her friend's car" but promises she'll meet up with him at the house later. Unfortunately when she comes back, she brings The Grenade and a new character—The Grenade Launcher. The Grenade Launcher is...well...an overtly fat chick. A "hippo," as Snooki calls her. Being the brave manly man he is, The Situation makes Snooki kick out The Grenade and The Grenade Launcher for him, which she does. Obviously the Grenades are none too thrilled, call Snooki a "nasty-ass bitch" and all hell breaks lose. In the end, Snooki's mouth gets fucked up again, The Grenade Launcher's shirt rides up way too high for my liking during the fight (shudder, shudder) and Alex gets arrested. Then Uncle Frank walks in, looks The Situation square in the eyes and says, "Look what you did, you little jerk." The Situation sulks upstairs has to spend the rest of the night sleeping on the hide-a-bed with Fuller and everyone hopes Fuller had at least three glasses of Pepsi because that's what The Situation gets for bringing "zoo animals" home.
OUR FINAL FIGHT OF THE EVENING! 'Ehhh...Christ. Another Ronnie/Sammi fight. This one is slightly more interesting than The Toe Fight and involves other people, so that's a plus. OK. So. The gang goes out to a bar. They're fist-pumping and grinding and J-Woww has exchanged her normal outfit of neon-colored bra, ripped acid wash jeans and black Reebok High Tops for fishnets and underpants and everything is going fine until some random asshole starts giving them shit for, well, being The Jersey Shore cast. The guy harasses the cast all night, desperately trying to instigate a fight because obviously the only thing cooler than being a cast member on The Jersey Shore is being able to say you've been in a fight with a cast member on The Jersey Shore. He finally gets his fight when he and his girlfriend follow Ronnie and Sammi home, harassing them all the way. Sammi finally loses her cool, barks some insults back at the couple and is about to get all up in their faces when Ronnie tells her to calm down and physically pushes her back. The Instigator accuses Ronnie of "domestic violence," Ronnie completely loses his shit and the two get into an all-out brawl that doesn't stop until Pauly D, The Situation and the cops are called. Yowzahs, right? In his rage, Ronnie blames the fight on Sammi and Sammi wants nothing to do with him because "he traumatized her" when he pushed her back. Sammi is the new Rhianna, black is white, up is down and that's the ballgame folks!
As always, thank you so much for supporting the blog, forwarding it to your friends, following us on Twitter, etc. Have a great weekend and we'll see you back here Monday morning! HASKINS OUT!
This past week was utter hell for me. Not only were Boss #1, Boss #2and Russell the Homophobic Co-Worker in the office all day every day, we also had a team of five creepy old men from corporate here to oversee "Blitz Week." And apparently a large part of overseeing Blitz Week is critiquing my coffee making abilities and rubbing my shoulders a wee bit too much to be called Christian. I should have known this was going to be a shitty week. Any week named after a Nazi war strategy can't be good. Fingers crossed Anschluss Week goes a little bit better next month. Anyway, as I rode the metro home last night feeling adequately molested and wiped-out, I had the most glorious realization—it's Thursday night; Jersey Shore is on! Life is worth living after all! I think Jersey Shore is my absolute favorite show on television right now. MTV hasn't done this good since Carmen: A Hip-Hopera and god bless them for enriching our lives once more. And people need to realize this! We, as a people and a nation, need to go to the Hallmark store, get a novelty over sized thank you card, sign our names with a nice note and send it to MTV for giving this gift to us. But according to this Gawker article, not everyone agrees with me. Apparently Jersey Shore is getting served a giant pint-glass full of ice, cold haterade and I for one do not like it:
To which I say, fine! Good riddance! That just means more Body Heat cologne commercials for us! I don't understand why Italian-American groups have their proverbial panties in such a twist. I feel like the average person is well aware that this isn't an accurate representation of all Italian-Americans. It is, however, an accurate representation of all Guidos. And I'm pretty sure Guidos are just fine with that. It's in the nature of the Guido to want attention, so really Jersey Shore is just helping a bro out. I don't think there's a Guidos for Accurate Portrayal in the Media (GAPM) group somewhere on K street lobbying to get Jersey Shore kicked off the air for perpetuating Guido stereotypes. So cool out Italian-Americans. We get that you guys aren't interchangeable.
Too bad MTV's problems don't stop there. According to Gawker:
"Then, a clip of our number one girl Snooki getting punched in the face taken from a promo of upcoming episodes made its way around the internet, pissing off a bunch of people, including our friends at Jezebel...To diffuse the Snooki bomb...the show will air an anti-violence PSA after next week's episode that includes the pun that says, "Violence against women in any form is a crime," and pointing viewers in abusive relationships to the National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline.
Oh, Christ on a canoli. Come on! People aren't laughing at that video because violence against women is funny; people are laughing at that video because Guidos are funny. Fact: Guidos sometimes hit their womens. (I'm sorry, but it's true.) And that, much like the rest of their ass-backwards, batshit crazy culture, deserves to be mocked relentlessly. You see, we're laughing at them, not with them them. There's a difference. You can't blame MTV for the fact that Guidos are a group of juiced-up, old-school meatheads. They were slamming protein shakes and slapping bitches in the face long before MTV came a-knockin' on their door. MTV just put it on network television for us all to laugh at and tear down. And that's a good thing. When I saw that video, I had two options: a.) feel overwhelmingly sad that Snooki got socked in the face because that is indeed disturbing and upsetting or b.) laugh at Gudio meatheads for how absurdly unacceptable they are. I chose B. Why? Because I can't just sit around crying all day about the injustices of the world, I'm sorry, I just can't. There are 24 hours in the day and I already spend too much of those crying for reasons related to my own life, thank you very much.
But wait, there's more! MTV also has to deal with people peeing their pants about whether or not the term Guido is derogatory. Which is a hard issue, as there really is no right or wrong answer. I struggled with this myself when I wrote a post about Guidos last year and it was the overwhelming opinion of the 2birds1blog community that Guido is not a derogatory term. That obviously made it gospel in my book, so I recommend the rest of the world follow suite and get over it. Therefore, there was really no need for MTV's programming President, Tony DiSanto to release this statement:
"I understand that it is considered a derogatory term by certain people. I don't see it that way, since I don't think of "guido" to mean Italian Americans across the board. Not all these kids are fully Italian American; it's more about a specific character type. We actually did pull the word "guidos" from voiceover and descriptions of the show [due to the protests]. However, if they refer to themselves that way, we let that exist as is."
Don't do that, Tony. Don't give in to the overly sensitive bullies of the world. As your subjects themselves would say, they're just mad haters, yo. If a Guido gets punked of on the dancefloor, do you think he skulks off into the bathroom to change his tampon and cry? Fuck no. He vas's up those lips, rips off his Ed Hardy shirt and fist pumps like it's his cousin Tony's confirmation party all over again! So keep doing exactly what you've been doing, Mr. DiSanto. You're doing a fine job.
And now, it is my privilege and honor to PROUDLY present Jersey Shore: Episode 3:
Our episode begins with the cast rolling out of bed after a long, hard night at the clerb. J-Woww pulls the old "oh my gawd...what did I do last night? LOL I don't remember a thing, haha lolzy lolzy LOL!" card. Which is hilarious because we all know that despite having a boyfriend, she publicly jerked off Pauly D in the back of a club because who can make it the two blocks home to your bed when the Patron is flowing and the She-Wolf remix is thumping? Pauly D gently informs J-Woww of this and she denies, denies, denies until her little hair extensions fall out. Pauly D understands why she's doing this though. Quote, "She just doesn't want to feel like a trash bag because she has a boyfriend and she kissed me with her tongue." (No seriously. Thank you, MTV.) There's also some lingering tension between The Situation and Sammi but I'm going to skip that entirely because I'd rather talk about Snooki and pickles. You see kids, Old Snookers likes her pickles. They're her favorite food. She also likes to eat them in a certain way. That way being to put on her "porn star in training" trucker hat, get on her hands and knees like the dirty girl she is and suck the brine right off them in front of every single male roommate in the house. Which is odd because that's exactly how I eat my favorite food, Kashi Go-Lean. So, you know, jinx!
But let's go back to old J-Woww. First and foremost, this episode was hard to recap because it was very J-Woww oriented and I can't understand a god damn thing that girl says. I think it's a combination of the Jersey accent and the being too tan to enunciate and the sounding like she just swallowed a set of janitor's keys and I just have no idea what she's talking about. I did decipher that her boyfriend decides to visit for the weekend and eeesh is she nervous. She can't decide whether or not she should tell her him about that whole pesky Pauly D hand job in the club thing or hope he's busy in a cave somewhere sticking his fingers in his ears screaming "LALALALALALA" at the top of his lungs when this episode airs. She chooses the latter. Wise decision.
And speaking of boyfriends! Angelina's is having some mAj0R dRamZ with her boyfriend, Mike. You see, Angelina and Mike have been having some serious communication issues since Angelina's moving to the Jersey Shore. "I dunno what the hell he's doing and he doesn't know what the hell I'm doing!" she explains. I mean, there's always the duck phone, cell phones, Twitter, Facebook, Loopt, the US Postal Service and carrier pigeons to keep two people in touch, but where's the fun in that? Mike finally agrees to meet Angelina and her friends Lana and Leena (I swear to god) at the club where we learn that Mike is technically married and in the middle of a divorce. Because nothing says "catch!" like a Guido accountant from Long Island going through a messy divorce. As the rest of the housemates giggle and gossip about what Bad News Bears Mike is, the camera pans to our Golden Couple just in time to capture their sudden break up. Apparently Mike wants Angelina to stop fucking calling him and Angelina was done like two weeks ago, dude. Who says absence makes the heart grow fonder?
Unfortunately, things aren't going much better for old J-Weez. In an incredibly tense and awkward night vision scene, J-Weez decides to test the waters and see exactly how miffed her boyfriend would be if she, oh I don't know, jayed-off a stranger on national television for the whole world to see. His answer? I'd dump you. Oh. Well good then! Thank god this was all just hypothetical!NIGHT!
The next morning, Angelina isn't feeling too hot. She's still a bit distraught over that whole breaking-up-with-my-married-boyfriend thing and decides she can't be taxed with the stresses of selling novelty t-shirts that day. She shows up to her shift an hour late, walks up to Samson the manager and is all, "Cough. Cough. I am very sick today. I can not work. A-choo and whatnot. So, talk to you later. Cough or whatever." When Samson calls her on her bullshit, she basically tells him to sit on it and heads home to iron her denim skirts.
Guess who's not happy about this? Yep, Boss Danny. Danny rides up to the house on his jaunty little bicycle with his distressed jeans and flying monkeys and is ready to kick ass and rip titties. I'm not going to lie, I am rull attracted to Danny. His whole take-no-shit attitude and Guido-lite vibe makes me want to quit my job and move to the shore to sell t-shirts and booty shorts 'til death do us part. Angelina, however, refuses to talk to Danny unless he comes into the bathroom where she's locked herself, which Danny obviously refuses to do because he's a big, strong man who's not going to take shit from anyone and I just want to rub him down with olive oil like the Roman God he is and watch him glisten in the Jersey sun...What was I just talking about? Ah, yes. Angelina. Danny tells her that if she's not going to come to work, she can't live in the house anymore and she has to leave. Angelina's reaction: "Blokay. Bye!" So she packs up her trash bags, grabs her curling iron and leaves the show. The end.
...Umm...Is anybody else as completely impressed by Angelina's dedication to not sell t-shirts as I am? I mean, I know I'm supposed to think she's a stupid brat and everything, but I'm honestly just impressed. Anybody else would have gone crawling back to Danny once they cooled down, but Angelina really stuck to her guns. I honestly started a slow clap in my apartment. Alone.
Meanwhile, the rest of the house have a big family dinner to celebrate the fact that ding-dong the witch is dead. "Angelina was like a half-assed firecracker," The Situation explains, "She fizzled real quick and made a lot of noise."HI-OHHHHHHHHH!Man, they really hated her. There's literally a montage of Angelina is an Asshole clips that's played while they all bond over what a fucking cuntbag she was. Glorious. After dinner, J-Weez decides to call her boyfriend and confess that she cheated on him with Pauly D. Homeboy promptly tips his hat, wishes her well and hangs up on her. I think J-Woww was upset by this. I think. She mumbles something in her confessional about nuns and Suzy Homemaker and breaks into Arabic at one point...but I think the moral of the story is she's sad, but if she has to be single, she's going to show her true side show—her "dirty, filthy fucking true side."Soooo...HPV: coming to a shore near you.
OK, I'm not going to lie: at this point I had had my teeth whitening trays in for 15 minutes longer than I should have because ever since everyone pulled their commercials, the breaks during Jersey Shore are like 45 seconds long and I didn't want to miss anything good. But at the same time, I really didn't want to die of fluoride poisoning because I was scared to miss something on Jersey Shore, so it was here that I decided to run to the bathroom and brush my teeth. When I came back, the show had already come back and Snooki was grinding on the dancefloor with a Guido Olsen Twin while shouting, "I GOT A FUCKING HOT TUB! COME BACK TO MY HOUSE WITH ME!"God damn you, Aquafresh whitening trays! Either way, the chick comes back to the house with Snookers and they make out HARDCORE in the tub "cuz guys like that." Then Snooks makes out HARDCORE with The Situation! How does The Situation feeling about Snooki? "If one thing leads to another, I'm not going to tell her to get off." Ahhh...young love. And speaking of young love, Sammi and Ronnie are totes still going strong. They go on mini-golf date and bang in the guest room. *Hugs!* In his confessional, Ronnie says, "I always said don't shit where you sleep, but for her, I'd roll around in it." According to my notes, "that's the most adorable thing I've ever heard!!!" Which makes me think I should re-evaluate adorable things I've heard.
Unfortunately, things don't stay peaceful in Ronnie/Sammi Lovey-Dovey Town for long. The next night the gang heads to Club Karma where Ronnie gets called onto the dancefloor to demonstrate his signature "creepy dance move," which sort of look like a cross between crypt-walking and having a seizure. While Ronnie seizes it up on the dancefloor, Sammi starts talking to her friend "The Cop." (I have no idea if he's actually a cop or if that's just his Guido nickname, sorry.) All of a sudden, Sammi looks over and sees Ronnie dancing with a Token Ho. To be fair, Ronnie was actually dancing with a whole pack of people and a Token Ho just happened to be among them. Sammi freaks out and retaliates by shoving her vulva into The Cop's hands, which upon seeing, J-Weeze tells Ronnie about. Distraught, Ronnie storms out of the club and goes home to cry into his pillow, listen to Dashboard Confessional and cut. Because she's suuuuuuuuchhhh a good friend, J-Weeze also leaves the club and rushes back to the house to comfort Ronnie in his hour of need. Wires get crossed and it gets back to Sammi that J-Weeze and Ronnie left the club together, IN A SEXY KIND OF WAY. Sammi is having none of it and says she's gonna go home and "knock a bitch up." Which I'm not sure is exactly what she meant because Lord knows when I see a girl moving in on my man I'm not like, "GOD DAMNIT! I'M GOING TO ENSEMINATE THAT BROAD GOOD!" But then again, it's the Jersey Shore; aNytHiNg GoEs!!!1
Fin.Have a super weekend guys and we'll see you back here Monday morning! <3
If I were to make a list of my top 5 guiltiest guilty pleasures, it would go as such:
5.) Tori and Dean's Home Sweet Hollywood 4.) The Olsen Twins as an entity 3.) Any and every Mo'Nique special 2.) Russian-pop-lesbian duo t.A.T.u.'s "Not Gonna Get Us" 1.) Guidos
Knowing this, you can imagine how excited I was when I found out about MTV's newest reality show, Jersey Shore. Basically Jersey Shore is like a season of The Real World but exclusively with Guidos. It's the true story. Of eight strangers. Picked to live in a shore house. To find out what happens. When the Valtrex runs out. And there's not a black person for miles. It's The Real World: Guidos. And oh muh gawd I'm excited! Thus, Drinking Game Friday will be taking a brief hiatus while Recrap Fridays: Jersey Shore takes over. Don't worry! DGF will be back! But I mean, come on, I've recapped shows about vapid whores, Bros, emotional fatties and monkey babies—did you expect me to not recap a show about Guidos?
I'm going to admit something right here and right now, fully aware that some of you might lose respect for me. I, Meghan C. McBlogger, totally have a thing for Guidos (except I can't do extreme spiky-haired Guidos. I'm horny, not blind.) I can't explain it. It goes against everything I stand for, yet, get me in a room with a juiced-up Italian guy with a rosary and a Hollywood tan and you'd better have a fainting couch cuz I've got the vapors! I've only dated one Guido in my lifetime. And by dated, I mean we hooked up, went on three dates and he dropped me like third period French. But my god were those three dates glorious. His name was Dave, he hailed from Long Island and had a tribal sun tattoo on his back that upon discovering I literally pointed and laughed-out-loud at. (Looking back, this may or may not have contributed to the whole dropping-me-like-third-period-French thing.) Even the story of how we met is just so perfectly...cheap. I was at The Reef late one Saturday night Senior year, desperately trying not to pass out against/crash through a fish tank, when Dave the Guido approached and instigated a game of Thumb War. Yes, that's correct. Thumb War. I lost (perhaps because my hand-eye coordination was that of a newborn baby at the time) and he happily claimed his prize—a hardcore All-American make out session!!1 Did I know his name? No. Did that bother me? No. Was the smell of his Dep hair gel driving me wild? Yes. A few days later we went on our first date to Lauriol Plaza. We pretty much had absolutely nothing in common except we both liked making out, quoting 80's movies and drinking. And apparently that will only bond two people together for so long. But I'll never forget you Dave The Guido. You or our hardcore, pasta-fueled hook-ups that I can now only re-live vicariously through my new favorite show—Jersey Shore.
Jersey Shore: Episode 1
The show opens by introducing us to it's eight feisty characters, the first being Pauly D. Pauly D. has obscenely spiky hair, a tanning bed in his apartment and is a DJ who wants people to "come in their pants when they hear his music." Well sir, as Rhianna said, please don't stop the music. Next up we have Nicole a.k.a. "Snookie". Snookie is my absolute favorite character. She looks like if Elvira and Tila Tequila had a bastard love-child and the mother bathed in Zelko throughout the duration of the pregnancy. Nobody in the house can remember Snookie's nickname so she's consistently referred to as "Snickers," which is never not the funniest thing I've ever heard. Next up is Mike. Mike gave himself the nickname "The Situation." So you know he's gotta be cool. Then we have Sammy "Sweetheart." Sammy Sweetheart is a sweet little Guidette with a don't-fuck-with-me attitude looking to break some hearts. She is also the source of one of my favorite quotes from the episode: "If you're not a Guido you can get the fuck out of my face." There's poetry in directness. Then there's Vinny. Vinny's mom still cuts his food for him and he makes a point of telling viewers that although he went to college, he "still loves to fist pump." Who says a Guido can't be a Renaissance Man? Next up we have Jenni a.k.a. "J-Woww." First and foremost, I love imagining the conversation between Jenni and the MTV graphics people where she clarifies that there are two W's in the fabricated name of "J-Woww." It keeps me warm at night. J-Woww likes to rip guy's heads off after sex (shout-out to Scott the Praying Mantis!), sounds like she just ate a pack of Newport lights for dinner and if I had a dick, I wouldn't put it within 15-feet of her. And then we have Ronnie. Tehehehee...Ronnie's kind of a dreamboat that I'd love to sail away on. I mean, whatever. He likes cheap cologne, protein shakes and fist pumping in the ocean. Gross. He's lame....tehehe. Ronnie's life philosophy: "Beers, pussy and the the beach. All you need to know." I couldn't have said it better myself, sir. Last but not least we have Angelina a.k.a. "Jolie." Angelina has a boyfriend who she's going to "try" not to cheat on and openly refers to herself as the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island. Because that's a challenge.
After we're introduced to the cast mates, they slowly filter into their cheetah-print and Italian flag-laden shore house where they'll be spending the rest of their summer. Pauly D. and The Situation instantly click. Ronnie, quote, "just wants to get creepy and weird" (seriously. I'm in love.) J-Woww introduces herself as J-Woww and everyone has the common sense to know that that's about as cool as a pair of tapered khakis. Angelina packed her stuff in trash bags which the rest of the cast thinks is weird but I can't hate on because that's how I moved out of my dorm Sophomore year. Really most of the entertainment lies in watching Snookie try to successfully drive herself to the house. After almost committing vehicular manslaughter a few times, she tries to make a 3-point-turn in the middle of an intersection and her car dies. OH SNOOKIE! After everyone arrives at the house we meet Danny. Danny looks like comedian Jesse Joyce to the point where I find it distracting and will be the Guidos boss for the summer. Yep, that's right. They have to work. Specifically at Danny's t-shirt shop, The Shore Store, in teams of two. Danny tries to explain that their living in the shore house is contingent on how well they work at the store, but the gang basically kicks him out so they can get the party started.
And get the party started they do! The first night in the house can only be described in one word: Snooktastic. Snookie gets shit faced. Quote Ronnie, "That girl went from stupid to incoherent." Yes, Snookie had herself a good old time. She rips a bunch of shots, gets in the hot tub in her leopard print bra and thong, tries to have sex with the entirety of the cast (gender not being an issue this many shots deep) and eventually passes out in a hammock mid slur. This would be pretty standard for first-night shenanigans, except that it's like 4 o'clock in the afternoon and everyone else in the house is stone cold sober. And let me tell you, being the one sloppy drunk amongst a sea of sober people is a mighty recipe for lasting embarrassment. Snookie wakes up a few hours later to find the rest of the house gone and spends all night stumbling around trying to work the complicated mechanics of the ironic duck phone. (If you only watch one scene, I'd go with that one.)
The next morning Snookie doesn't remember a thing ("Story of my life!" she laments) and ends up being late to orientation at the Shore Store because she's busy puking her face off in the bathroom. She starts to get a weird vibe from the rest of the house and manages to deduce that mayyyyybe she did something embarrassing last night. She offers the house a heart-felt apology at dinner and all seems to be right with the world. For now.
The next night, the boys decide to go fishing. No, not that fishing, bless your heart! "Fishing" is when the boys stand on the roof and whistle at girls until a few "semi-decent looking" ones stop, come up, get in the hot tub and give 'em some dome. The rest of the girls in the house are mortified by this. And by mortified, I mean jealous. They park themselves in lawn chairs ten feet away from the hot tub and do that thing girls do where they're like "OH MY GAWD, WHAT PROSTITUTES!" but on the inside really wish it was them taking off their Victoria Secret red cotton thongs in a hot tub. Angelina asks, "how do you meet a guy and take your bra and underwear off?!" Alcohol and low self-esteem, my friend. Trust me.
And then drama ensues: The Situation has a crush on Sammi Sweetheart and feels awkward canoodling with Token Hoz in front of her but she's like woah, we're not married psycho, go do what you want; Angelina, Sammi and J-Woww get in a fight with the Token Hoz because they're, you know, Token Hoz; Snookie gets upset that nobody's paying attention to her so she locks herself in her room to play with the ends of her hair; Angela and the guys get in a fight re: The Situation "cheating on" Sammi Sweetheart with Token Hoz; Ronnie walks around wearing only a fedora and no shirt and I have a moment; Snookie overhears the girls talking shit about Token Hoz, assumes they're talking about her and decides she's sick of the duck phone being her only friend so duck phone and her are bouncing. BUT WILL SHE?!
Jersey Shore: Episode 2
Um, Yeah. There was a second HOUR LONG episode last night. WTF MTV? Do you know what a challenge it was just to stay awake for the 10-11 episode?! I have work in the morning! I have a Jäger Ball to save energy for! I can't stay up until midnight watching reality television about Guidos on a school night! And yet, I did. Because god forbid I let the blog get behind on recaps. And as a result, I couldn't get out of bed this morning and was a half an hour late to work. Perhaps I need to re-evaluate my priorities...Anyway, I took half-assed notes because I was nodding off in my old person rocking chair, so here's all you need to know about the second episode:
*The Situation made Sammy Sweetheart a plate of eggs so you know he's in love --> *They work their first day at the Shore Store. LOL selling t-shirts is hard! --> *Snookie has a heart-to-heart with Sammy Sweetheart and decides to stay --> *The boys go to the gym, eat protein bars and talk about who they want to "pound out" --> *The Situation refers to himself in the third person a lot and sells a shit ton of hot pants --> *They all go out --> *Pauly D. and J-Woww make out --> *Snookie brings some guy home and is all bummed out that he won't make out with her until he projectile vomits everywhere. True story. --> *Angelina cheats on her boyfriend but "doesn't remember it" in the morning --> *Vinny gets pink eye from freak dancing with an old, fat chick for laughs at a club called Karma which is so ironic the world explodes --> *They go out again --> *The Situation and Sammy Sweetheart hookup but then she turns around and hooks up with my boy Ronnie --> *The Situation is heart broken so we decide to hook up with each other to make them jealous--> *The episode concludes with a hilarious montage of The Situation watching the sunrise all sad-like with sad, sad background music and black and white scenes of him and Sammy Sweetheart spliced in, which is hilarious because didn't you people meet two days ago? FIN.
Welp, with that said, hope you all have a fantastic weekend! Can't wait to meet you guys at Jäger BallTOMORROW NIGHT! If you can't make it, don't forget there are local Jäger Balls going on in Boston, Atlanta, Birmingham, Dallas, LA, The Republic of Macedonia and Timor-Leste! Have fun and take a shot of Jäger for me! See you guys Monday!
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